Karma

I came in to lament about my tummy trouble and flashbacks.  I was feeling like Karma was kicking me in the intestines and the brain too.  I had an epiphany.   Each time I'm dealing with these issues I feel like talking about the reason.  It's like my mother and her reruns.  So, I was repeating  pattern.

Meanwhile, technology stepped in.  My poor laptop, the hard drive has issues and I need to get it fixed.  The bad part is, the warranty has expired and the insurance I purchased from Amazon says, check with Dell first.  Um, I did that's why I'm turning to Asurion.  Soooo, I guess I'm out of luck.   I'll keep pushing until it's fixed or I get my money back from Asurion.  This is going to be fun.

Christmas Tears

Last night, I was ready for bed.  I moved all the pillows to make my nest, covered my eyes because Ed was still awake and watching tv.   I started crying.  It's been a long time coming.  Eddie did notice which is a change in the last few weeks.  I'm still feeling under water though. 

Actually, the thing is.  He's shied away from touching me because he feels it's a prelude to sex and he "can't finish what he starts"  I finally told him he's killing our marriage with that attitude.  I mean, yeah I want to make love to my husband instead of imagining it 8 times a night and 12 times a day but there's more to having a loving relationship than sex.  So I quoted the experts.  "Having someone touch you in a loving way, not sexual but loving or caring, releases hormones that help your brain and keep you healthy."   He said he understood because every night, I rub his back, scratch it, massage sore places and he feels better.  If we miss a night it affects his sleep.  Still, I want more and I hate myself for it. 

Honestly, I now know what my mom meant when she said that her kids loving her was not enough.  But I don't think she ever thought about the difference between caring touch and sex.  So now, I lavish touch on the dog, the cat, the husband, the teenagers, and a new puppy but how much do I get in return.  the cat and dog lick me, the pup will chew on any piece of my body she can fit in her mouth.  I get hugs from my boys more often and Eddie will rub my back if I'm sitting up but there's still a component missing. 

I guess like the seritonin reuptake inhibitors, I need a oxytocin multiplier.    I can turn to alcohol to not care but oh my tummy doesn't like the burn. 

You know.  I was puppy sitting earlier, and the dog was in the bed too.  I lavished a lot of attention on the dog because the puppy was easily distracted with the sock I gave her.    I started hoping that Baby, our big dog, got a hormone boost when we pet her like I get when Eddie pets me.    The big thing is now that the puppy is here, Baby seeks out contact in a better way and I don't mind having the dog in the bed with me. 

so she's stretched out on the bed over there on Eddie's  side and she's yawning like she's slept too long and when I reach out to pet her she scoots away until she fell off the bed.    Silly doggie.   She went to her own bed instead, not as far to fall.

Be careful what you wish for

I have been in a depression for nearly a month now.  No energy, no drive, frustrated because I can't get anything done.  Then I made a wish, "I would give my left arm for a Manic phase right now, just so I could get some things done."

Well, I can't sleep, I want to do something but actually I'm too manic to get anything done!  I start something, see a squirrel and I forget what I was going to do.  Meanwhile, the things I think to do, well, they require help and no one wants to help me.  This makes me angry.  I'm almost to the point I'll be channeling my  mother.  She was a vicious manic when it came time to clean our apartment for inspections each month.

So I've been up since 4 a.m. this morning trying to go back to sleep.  I have a head ache keeping me awake.  I'm not hungry, I can't do laundry, or set up the Christmas Tree.  I get my computer out to post my complaints about my own brain and ugh......

My laptop keeps asking for a 48 digit number to open.  Now I'm way too frustrated to do anything.


Okay I did write this but, oh man, what else will I not get done today.

My triumphant return to work

Today was my first official day back to work.  What a crazy day.  I work with a headset and microphone plugged into my computer.  My first call, I can't hear a the person on the other end. 

I called the helpline and they fixed my settings for me.

I can take calls but the callers say there's an echo.  Ah, I say, "that's the emptyness between my ears." 

Then I'm rearranging my desk and bump the cord.  Once again I cannot hear customers.  I call the help line from the house phone and what does the guy hear in the back ground?  Jason Voorhies' theme music from the Friday the 13th movies.  Why?  because Eddie is watching a marathon of the movies in the living room.  There's a closed door between the movies and me but the sound is loud. 

Gotta move my desk back to it's previous location.

So, I'm back to work and some people are checking on me.  How you feeling?and such.  I just haven't gotten to the point where I tell them that for the first 3 weeks after my surgery all I dreamt about was work.  Seriously. 

I'm dreaming I'm sorting my paperwork and putting some of it in a basket in front of me.  (first, I don't have paperwork and second, I'm laying on my side in the bed and Eddie is "in front of me") So I'm basically putting imaginary paperwork in his lap.   Poor guy got very jumpy if I was moving while he was in the bed. 

Another time, I'm trying to take a packet of papers apart  but in reality, I'm pulling on the hemmed edge of my top sheet

The greatest one is, I'm trying to take something off of a box or some paperwork and in reality, I'm pulling at the edge of my mattress like I'm going to pull the sewn rolled edge off the mattress.    I broke a nail twice doing this. 

I put a live video on Facebook about my mouth and brain not working together.  The boys were home with me a lot and I would ask for an umbrella when I really meant "fill my cup with ice water" and my mouth was so dry that my tongue would stick to teeth and the roof of my mouth so I really couldn't talk at all.  I bed some times they really had no idea what I said but brought me the cup of water just in case.

I'm lucky, each one of them admits to wanting to thump me only once because I said something mean and didn't catch myself.  Glad I got rid of that medicine.

So I've learned that sitting at the desk with a cold knee is no fun but, my knee doesn't like fabric to touch it either.  Oh boy.

I'm flailing here

both of my boys have mentioned suicide this week.  It's about to kill me.  I don't know what to do.  I can't put them both in the hospital, that will kill me.  I'm in so much pain.  I can't handle them alone any more.  I got Eddie to stay home with us today.  We'll have to split up today and one go to the high school while the other works on middle school stuff today.  I know were I'm going to end up.  I'll have to do both. 

I need a shower and to get dressed.  We need milk, shampoo and groceries.  I need to go to the bank too. This will be a fun day.

oh look, a daytime post.

I'm depressed.   Really depressed.  Because I'm depressed my mania has been kicking in at night.  So I sit up all night in an imaginary world.  When I tire, I sleep all morning.  This upsets me.  The more upset I get the worse my tummy trouble gets.  Therefore, instead of sitting on the front porch where I can talk to my husband.  I'm back at the computer so I can be closer to the bathroom.

And I'm back.  Eddie found me in there and remembered there was no more toilet paper.  As I asked him for another roll he was telling me he would get me another one.  Great minds think alike. 

I feel so nauseated which is a side effect of the tummy trouble. 

So instead of sleeping I was designing a house.  it's one I have been thinking about for months.  So I put it on paper and eventually I'll put it in room sketcher.    I need to do that for all of my house designs.  Although I like using Excel better.  I don't think I have the patience for Excel right now.  Maybe if I moved to another room?  I don't know. 

I'll turn on some music and see how long I can sit here.  I am going to excel afterall.

the peril's of late night messages

My youngest son always seems to wake about midnight and tries to go back to sleep until about 2 a.m. then he will wake me up by sending an instant message.  This time I think he woke his father too.  I told him to wash his face and find some slow music to listen to.  I think he's back to sleep and I'm awake.  Grrrrrr.

Part of my problem is pain of 2 kinds, my knee was achy and my intestines are being touchy. 

The pain medication has a bad problem, it slows everything down.  When my intestines do work they are very irritable about it.  So I'm back to dealing with slow moving tummy trouble and oh the pain.   A few nights ago it felt like when I had an ectopic pregnancy and had free fluid in my abdomen.  I was near tears the whole day.  That pain went on for a few weeks but the other calmed over night. 

Tonight, I'm just wishing it would all get back to normal.  I'm trying to get off the pain pills. I'm going to start taking ibuprophen or naproxin instead tomorrow.

We'll see how that works after pt this week

late night ramblings

I’m up late about 4 weeks after my surgery.  It’s the medication.  I’m not supposed to take my sleep meds with my muscle relaxer or my pain meds.  They counter act each other.  So I’m up.  I made a good attempt to sleep.  I tried sleeping once and the itchy twichies got to me so despite the fact that my hubby is almost asleep he follows me to the bathroom, puts my shower chair in there and sits on a stool outside the shower while I soap up and rinse off.  Poor guy his Ambien has already taken over and he’s falling asleep on the stool outside of the shower.  So now I’m properly washed and rinsed, dressed in clean night clothes we head back to bed. 

We’ve been dancing with sleep for about half an hour, when Eddie’s legs and back start to give him fits.  He’s up wandering around, he’s awakened me.  I wait for a call for help or for Eddie to return.  Eddie returns and I try to give him a relaxing massage.  I make him roll over on his tummy and I rub the nerve routes that trigger his restless leg syndrome.  Eventually he wants me to rub to trigger points on his sore hip.  I finally hear some even breathing and think he’s asleep.  Nope.  He’s up and after a snack.  He brings an ice pack back with him for my knee. It’s my turn for the back rub.  He rubs until he’s lulled asleep and here I am awake. I surfed the net a little.  I looked for a document I created that has all my bathroom purchase wish lists on it.   And I write, part of me knows I’m not sleeping because the tummy trouble coming has triggered my awake pattern until it is gone.  I wait.  I’m torn.  I need to get back to writing my love stories but I don’t feel particularly loving lately so I have avoided them.  

Which side will win?

I need some fiber therapy

I tried to start another baby blanket today but realized there wouldn't be enough yarn to do what I want.  I just thought of a possible fill in to make it big enough.  Or I'll just make burp cloths with it. 

 Meanwhile I'm going to my chair to knit on Aunt Crickett's blanket.  I'm really into the book I'm listening to so I don't want to write fiction. 

Trying to keep my foot in reality by posting here.

lots of changes around here

First, I've been writing fiction to stem some of my needs so I have been avoiding this blog because it is reality.  lol, I always seem to have more than one fantasy going at once, so it's been nice to feed those needs.

Second, I had been working like crazy, full time on the phone from home and I had finally mastered everything when I took some time off to have surgery.

That's the third,  I have a new knee.  The right knee that gave me so much trouble most of my life has 2 metal plates and a plastic disk between them now.  Oh the muscles hate me lately and there's still a clicking when I walk but eventually, say a few more months and I will no longer have trouble with that knee.  So tomorrow, I have one more in home pt appointment then I have to go out and see someone outside the house.   I have had a crazy day which has contributed to the late night. 

This morning, I was up with hubby and our oldest to get me to the doctor.  Ugh, part of the regimine is taking an aspirin in the morning to keep me from getting blood clots which can cause all kinds of problems right now.  So I was sick to my stomach until about 10 then the aspirin floated away from my tummy.  At that time though, I needed pain pills and all we had to drink was Eddie's coffee.  No thank you.

So I came home and drank some Ensure with my pain medication then took a glorious nap until about 3 p.m.  I did laundry and planned things for the boys until my husband came home from work.  I had 2 great sandwiches for dinner then conked out again for about an hour.  So my sleep pattern is messed up.    I'm over medicated on pain pills right now and my sleeping pills are having no effect.

First I tried fighting it but Eddie's restless leg syndrome was making me sea sick.  Once again I had taken aspirin before bed. So I sat up and did some crocheting until I was out of yarn.  I have a spare baby blanket for the first time in ages.  Finished Project Euphoria has taken over.  I would like to start another but it's 2 in the morning and if I turn on more lights I think Eddie would kill me.  so I will write. 

I have 3 paths in front of me now.

1. I can wait until I am allowed to go back to work and fight to get my job back.  
2. I can go to the doctor's office tomorrow and get the release to go back to work and get my job back 
3. I can let this job go and go back to college full time

I'm leaning toward 3 but, I don't know if I can keep myself on track.   Three also comes with a few possibilities that I would like to take advantage of.  No matter what, I have to get myself back on a track of some kind.  I don't want to sleep my life away.  

Additionally, I have got to get back to going to church.  I've been feeding the good wolf the wrong way and I need to get back to better food for that wolf and my soul.  

Okay, I'm going to go check my college email and get things moving for tomorrow. 

Resolution Pains

I made a resolution to get a new computer this year for my birthday.  As mayhem happens weeks before my birthday and before my fund was fully funded, my 7 year old Dell crashed.  So today I replaced it with something newer but not really what I want. 

The screen and cpu are integrated.  It's weird to not have a tower blowing at my feet.  The screen is huge but my writings and work files are trapped on that old computer.  I'll have to get them pulled off the drive and once again I kick myself for not backing up my files better.  Well, I'll work on doing better next time.

my depression is ruining my sleep again

Okay tonight is really my fault.  I had caffeine with dinner so I didn't go to sleep until almost 2.  Now I'm wide awake and while I could sew, I think Eddie would kinda want to shoot me if I did.  When he's up in the middle of the night, he goes to the living room to watch tv and eat. When I get up like this I want to unwind, tv doesn't unwind me.  Writing sometimes does.  Getting things off my chest. 

I'm just bored with everything.  I'm tired of the whiners at work, I'm tired of the struggles at home.  I'm tired of not having the things I need to do the projects I want to do.  I turn into a whining banshee when I'm not on the phone.  Meanwhile Eddie is hurting so much and I could spend all my extra time massaging him and it wouldn't make anything better.  Bone Spurs SUCK. 

So I'm up moaning about these things when I really have something else to say.  I'm feeling neglected.  There was a post on Facebook the other day saying something like,

"we charge our phones everyday and are rarely at a place where they are not in reach but we don't work on our marriages or relationships the same way. When a loved one is in reach we're too busy touching our phones to reach out for each other." 

Boy isn't that the truth.  In my case, if I'm at the sewing machine or knitting in our room and Eddie is drawing at his desk, when I put my stuff away, I immediately reach for my phone and spend half my time flipping through Facebook and Words with Friends instead of more knitting or massaging Eddie's back.   Eddie is the same.  He draws, surfs the web for inspirations, or looks at Facebook at his desk then as soon as he gets to the point when he's ready to lounge in bed, he either has food in his hand or his phone.  If he doesn't have either of those, he's sitting with his back to me so I can scratch it or his body turned away to take pressure off his hip.  My brain and heart are taking those as signals of rejection.  Another part of my brain says it's karma for all the times I "turned away" from Eddie while I was in pain. 

Heavens, if we could ever get the two of us feeling no pain at the same time we would conquer the world.

So instead of talking to Eddie again, I pour my heart out here.  When I bring it up any other time to him he thinks I'm picking a fight because I have a whiny/ordering tone of voice.  Man, I'm back to, This Just SUCKS.

So I need to spend some time asserting my needs in a better tone of voice.  Then maybe my heart will be heard instead of the pushy broad that surrounds it.

There's another change in my life.  My A1c is all messed up again which put me on Metformin again.  I've been in Irritable Bowel Syndrome with Diarrhea remission for a few months now.  Metformin blew that out the window within hours of taking the first pill.  I finally wrote the doc and told him it kept me out of 2 major events and was interfering with my job and he put me on a different pill something like Glucotrol.  I'm not taking it properly but so far, it's not messing with my tummy like the other did.  Phew, that means I won't be just blowing off people so I can so spend time on the throne.  Of course since the IBS-D kicked back up, I've had to be pickier about the food I eat.  That's okay because my cravings are for things that won't make it worse or trigger it.  Unfortunately some fast foods aren't triggers but aren't really in the budget either.   Tonight was one of those nights.   Eddie fried up some Italian sausage links.  Just the links, no sides and that was dinner.  In all honesty, he shouldn't have cooked at all he had a back procedure today and should have just gone to bed. But those grayish links laying in that grease turned my stomach so I had nuggets, iced coffee and fries instead.  My budget took a hit but that was okay.   

I treated the guys to burgers and fries and specialty drinks too. So I was fair. 

Well the sun is coming up which is my cue to get out of Eddie's way for his morning activities so now that I'm unburdened I let the relief lull me back to sleep.  I love my days off.

cold sweats

I'm on a steroid roller coaster today.  I caught the flu last month and it's hung around in bronchial tubes for a while.  The doctor prescribed steroids to help me fight off the congestion.  So I take my first dose and after eating supper, I get a monster hot flash.  I'm all sweaty in the worst places and the heat in the house seams to be on "African Desert level" setting.  I discover that the heat in the bedroom, a wall furnace that blows straight at me, is up to over 80*   Phew, turned that down and settled into a sweaty cold setting.  I'm covered in sweat and I'm freezing. Ah so much fun.

I'm restless too.   I feel like running away for a week or so. I asked Eddie about a vacation and he's just blown me off.  He doesn't think we can afford a vacation this year but he's had 3 in the last 5 yerars while I filled in for him just so he could afford to go.  Now, I have the time and the money coming in I want one.   We're going to need to leave the house for about 2 weeks after we close on the house.  We need that time to let the workers install the heat and air then re rock the ceiling.  So we should go away.  Take the pets and go.  Eddie just doesn't seem to want to go.  I kinda think, maybe we should just go to the lake.  Eddie could go to work then come home to fish and sit in the shade while we swim or compare bug bites.  However, I don't want to camp, I want to rv at the lake.  That is going to be expensive but I want the ac. 


I'm looking forward to getting this place in shape.   here's my 5 year plan,

First with the purchase,

• central heat and air
• sheet rock the living room and ceilings in the bedrooms and where they take out the heater in my room.
• vent in the bathroom
• new windows installed, (may have to wait til next year)
• one add on,  natural gas generator.  

Then with a little extra money we decorate the living room

My chair and a half, with ottoman in tan with script and butterflies
complementary club chair in tan and blue print
couch blue
Ed's recliner chocolate brown moving the tv to the center of the wall where it is. 
New tv with sound bar and wireless speakers behind Eddie's chair.

Walls blue  new trim blue, ceiling blue 
draperies blue
rug blue trellis.
blue print throw pillows

accent woods red cedar.  made by Shane. 

I want a traditional feel with country appeal.   I have 29k to work with. 

Fall 2019,
we'll redo the kitchen and
sheet rock the boy's rooms gotta put in new trim then too.  New doors for the boys too. 

Fall 2020
my bathroom
office
closet

Fall 2021
My bedroom
Siding the house


Additional thoughts:

I want to turn the studio and the wet room in to a guest suite.  There's a way to get the water out of the room get rid of the mold and turn it into a bathroom.  Coffee bar and microwave over a mini fridge with  bistro table and a full size bed. 

okay enough day dreaming, I have plans for birthdays to make