Karma

I came in to lament about my tummy trouble and flashbacks.  I was feeling like Karma was kicking me in the intestines and the brain too.  I had an epiphany.   Each time I'm dealing with these issues I feel like talking about the reason.  It's like my mother and her reruns.  So, I was repeating  pattern.

Meanwhile, technology stepped in.  My poor laptop, the hard drive has issues and I need to get it fixed.  The bad part is, the warranty has expired and the insurance I purchased from Amazon says, check with Dell first.  Um, I did that's why I'm turning to Asurion.  Soooo, I guess I'm out of luck.   I'll keep pushing until it's fixed or I get my money back from Asurion.  This is going to be fun.

Christmas Tears

Last night, I was ready for bed.  I moved all the pillows to make my nest, covered my eyes because Ed was still awake and watching tv.   I started crying.  It's been a long time coming.  Eddie did notice which is a change in the last few weeks.  I'm still feeling under water though. 

Actually, the thing is.  He's shied away from touching me because he feels it's a prelude to sex and he "can't finish what he starts"  I finally told him he's killing our marriage with that attitude.  I mean, yeah I want to make love to my husband instead of imagining it 8 times a night and 12 times a day but there's more to having a loving relationship than sex.  So I quoted the experts.  "Having someone touch you in a loving way, not sexual but loving or caring, releases hormones that help your brain and keep you healthy."   He said he understood because every night, I rub his back, scratch it, massage sore places and he feels better.  If we miss a night it affects his sleep.  Still, I want more and I hate myself for it. 

Honestly, I now know what my mom meant when she said that her kids loving her was not enough.  But I don't think she ever thought about the difference between caring touch and sex.  So now, I lavish touch on the dog, the cat, the husband, the teenagers, and a new puppy but how much do I get in return.  the cat and dog lick me, the pup will chew on any piece of my body she can fit in her mouth.  I get hugs from my boys more often and Eddie will rub my back if I'm sitting up but there's still a component missing. 

I guess like the seritonin reuptake inhibitors, I need a oxytocin multiplier.    I can turn to alcohol to not care but oh my tummy doesn't like the burn. 

You know.  I was puppy sitting earlier, and the dog was in the bed too.  I lavished a lot of attention on the dog because the puppy was easily distracted with the sock I gave her.    I started hoping that Baby, our big dog, got a hormone boost when we pet her like I get when Eddie pets me.    The big thing is now that the puppy is here, Baby seeks out contact in a better way and I don't mind having the dog in the bed with me. 

so she's stretched out on the bed over there on Eddie's  side and she's yawning like she's slept too long and when I reach out to pet her she scoots away until she fell off the bed.    Silly doggie.   She went to her own bed instead, not as far to fall.

Be careful what you wish for

I have been in a depression for nearly a month now.  No energy, no drive, frustrated because I can't get anything done.  Then I made a wish, "I would give my left arm for a Manic phase right now, just so I could get some things done."

Well, I can't sleep, I want to do something but actually I'm too manic to get anything done!  I start something, see a squirrel and I forget what I was going to do.  Meanwhile, the things I think to do, well, they require help and no one wants to help me.  This makes me angry.  I'm almost to the point I'll be channeling my  mother.  She was a vicious manic when it came time to clean our apartment for inspections each month.

So I've been up since 4 a.m. this morning trying to go back to sleep.  I have a head ache keeping me awake.  I'm not hungry, I can't do laundry, or set up the Christmas Tree.  I get my computer out to post my complaints about my own brain and ugh......

My laptop keeps asking for a 48 digit number to open.  Now I'm way too frustrated to do anything.


Okay I did write this but, oh man, what else will I not get done today.