Thank heavens Eddie is an essential worker because if I had listened to him crack nuts and run that mixer everyday for the last 45 days, I would have killed him. I lived that once. November of 2013. I still thank God for the Salvation Army bell ringers.
Now he's into a rhythm now. Home, dinner if he's cool enough to eat. I understand that cooking overheats me too lately. Then he asks what needs to be done for mask production. The tv comes on and we get to work. Most of the time I have a pile of masks for him to trim the rogue threads from. It's his favorite part. He folds them neatly and puts them in little stacks. When I can't take what's on TV, I'll put in my ear buds and check out.
Shane is in a back brace now. it's hard acrylic and runs from his arm pits to his hips. When I see him in it I want to cry. When I see him out of it I'm harassing him to put it back on. One more thing to nag him about.
Gerald is having a hard time dealing with the confinement. He doesn't want to go out but he would love to get the rest of us out of the house for a few hours everyday. He's cranky and his tummy is always giving him trouble.
I have my own problems, but this is where I share my struggles and victories with my mental health. It hasn't been much better lately. I keep saying I'm going to run away. I've made plans too but I know that when it comes to actually following through, something will always get in my way. That's what I'm struggling with the most. My plans keep having to change. Each new change brings up old stuff. Just when I think I'm over it, something pulls me back down.
I can claim one victory. An old injury doesn't haunt me anymore. I would never believe I could recover but nearly 30 years and the boys have kinda healed my mind.
Now that I have put a new story line up and added a chapter to another then put in 20000 words on my book I think I can go to bed.
Saturday, May 2, 2020
Monday, April 13, 2020
Tales from the inside
Life kinda goes on as normal around here. Shane wants to go fishing on the worst days imaginable because the weather affects his hot spot. I only go out when I absolutely have to. Gerald is the same. Jeffy is working like mad.
this is what my summer looked like last year. Then I started college and it took me about 6 weeks to get into the habit of getting up. Boom, here comes Spring Break and COVID-19 to interrupt all the good work I had began. 2 weeks into the final half of my school semester and once again I'm running behind.
Today, well it was back to almost February Normal. I was up at 8 going through messages and emails. I planned my day from there. I did some exercising and I was up and off to the work table. I tried to update the planner I got from the school but it's filled with the wrong information so I switched to a plain spiral. Now that I have a plan, I'm feeling much better. I want to put work out goals in the book too.
My body has flat told me I'm not going back to some of my old ways. So today I update my dietary goals to manage the new problem.
I need to balance my sugar intake so that overeating sweets will not try to make me cry the next morning. It shouldn't be that hard to do. I'll skip cheat days and just add a sweet treat into my meal plans. I'll back it up with vegetable snacks again instead of chips, fried treats and carb loaded drinks.
Other than not studying these last 2 weeks I've been making masks. I'm tooting my own horn because I love sewing and I have always bragged about my work. My work table is covered in the project and school work. It's made me rethink my work table/desk idea. Especially after that first day when I sliced through my mouse cord. lol, yeah I still use a corded mouse because my cordless one has gone missing.
So I'm sitting here watching the cat instead of doing anything else. Her obsession with hair ties has not waned. But there are certain things that keep her from her beloved hair ties. The first is anyone working on the far side of my work table. She's not used to someone being there. She's afraid of being stepped on. Or they are sitting on the stool she likes to use to make 2 jumps up to the worktable service. Jumping straight up to the surface is problematic because the cutting mat is not grippy enough for her paws. Plus there might be fabric, scissors or an open rotary cutter up there. She is cautious.
Today she encountered a new problem. Clear cutting tool, a strip/shape ruler/template. Not long after I first got the tool the wall heater warped it. Now one end is buckled and if you hit a hair tie just right with a little white paw, it goes under the clear acrylic tool. She scratched and scratched at that hair tie and only managed to get her claws caught in the slots for the rotary cutter. When she finally figured out how to reach under the buckled space she moved the hair tie into a pile of frayed threads and cut off thread pieces. Those are icky on a kitty tongue. She gave up on that hair tie. She smells a loose one in my night stand drawer instead. I hope it's pinned down by my Kindle. hahahahahahahahahahahahahah
this is what my summer looked like last year. Then I started college and it took me about 6 weeks to get into the habit of getting up. Boom, here comes Spring Break and COVID-19 to interrupt all the good work I had began. 2 weeks into the final half of my school semester and once again I'm running behind.
Today, well it was back to almost February Normal. I was up at 8 going through messages and emails. I planned my day from there. I did some exercising and I was up and off to the work table. I tried to update the planner I got from the school but it's filled with the wrong information so I switched to a plain spiral. Now that I have a plan, I'm feeling much better. I want to put work out goals in the book too.
My body has flat told me I'm not going back to some of my old ways. So today I update my dietary goals to manage the new problem.
I need to balance my sugar intake so that overeating sweets will not try to make me cry the next morning. It shouldn't be that hard to do. I'll skip cheat days and just add a sweet treat into my meal plans. I'll back it up with vegetable snacks again instead of chips, fried treats and carb loaded drinks.
Other than not studying these last 2 weeks I've been making masks. I'm tooting my own horn because I love sewing and I have always bragged about my work. My work table is covered in the project and school work. It's made me rethink my work table/desk idea. Especially after that first day when I sliced through my mouse cord. lol, yeah I still use a corded mouse because my cordless one has gone missing.
So I'm sitting here watching the cat instead of doing anything else. Her obsession with hair ties has not waned. But there are certain things that keep her from her beloved hair ties. The first is anyone working on the far side of my work table. She's not used to someone being there. She's afraid of being stepped on. Or they are sitting on the stool she likes to use to make 2 jumps up to the worktable service. Jumping straight up to the surface is problematic because the cutting mat is not grippy enough for her paws. Plus there might be fabric, scissors or an open rotary cutter up there. She is cautious.
Today she encountered a new problem. Clear cutting tool, a strip/shape ruler/template. Not long after I first got the tool the wall heater warped it. Now one end is buckled and if you hit a hair tie just right with a little white paw, it goes under the clear acrylic tool. She scratched and scratched at that hair tie and only managed to get her claws caught in the slots for the rotary cutter. When she finally figured out how to reach under the buckled space she moved the hair tie into a pile of frayed threads and cut off thread pieces. Those are icky on a kitty tongue. She gave up on that hair tie. She smells a loose one in my night stand drawer instead. I hope it's pinned down by my Kindle. hahahahahahahahahahahahahah
Monday, March 23, 2020
Toilet paper miracle
Things have been rough around here. Eddie meant to bring in TP last week when he got paid but there hasn't been any to bring in. That's not true, he got a package from work to make sure the boys bathroom was stocked. Well in all the shuffle of things from one bathroom to another and cleaning and everything else, I found 2 rolls of Charmin Blue in my bathroom floor.
Now see this is where I could kick myself, because I'm supposed to be getting that floor clean every week. But the space/closet behind the door is often overlooked and there they were. Two precious beautiful rolls.
Being stuck at home for more weeks is going to really challenge my mental problems. There are days when I just really need to unplug and only interact with beneficial people. Those are the days that each of the boys is in here asking for things I can't provide, wishing on stars that died out last millennia. I have been so stressed that I have had the urge to run away.
That won't happen soon because first there is never gas in my car. Second, I really have no place to stay if I do run. That might change soon but until then, I'm stuck.
So lets get to what is making me craziest tonight. I listened to a Shakespearean Sonnet recited by Sir Patrick Stewart. It was lovely but it also kicked me right in the convictions. Things aren't right in my head and it was just a glaring neon sign that said "you made a promise" and nothing I want to do today should supersede that promise because it's legally, morally and ethically binding. But my heart needs something else.
So do I deny myself what I so desperately need? Well one of my phone calls today said yes, no matter what this promise stands above all. Gee Pastor just stab me in the gut and walk away with the knife. He says pray, keep praying, the change will come either your need will go away or it will be fulfilled. I just cried for so long hearing those words. Praise God in the storm. Yes that is exactly what I need to do. But can I really wait this out like I need to do. The monster in my head says no and it's going to make sure I suffer through all of this.
Why am I being so stupid about this? After 21 years of marriage, I should just accept that this is the way he wants it and suck it up. But I'm so unhappy in this and I just can't see myself surviving in this state of unhappiness.
This is where I say, I'm almost to the point where I'm going to walk away from my life in Tulsa for good. I remember feeling this way back in 1992. My needs weren't being met and he fought me at every turn when I stood up for my needs. I had to walk away then too. I feel worse now though despite all I did back then, everything that went wrong this is so much worse. I feel so much more selfish and obviously everyone is saying that it is all my selfishness there's no one else to blame.
So I turn to the two things that make me feel better words and music. It's all making it worse. Lets talk about music. The sentimental songs get to my heart because I know he doesn't feel that way about me anymore and I don't thing it even crosses his mind to feel jealous either. I shouldn't want him to feel jealous. I want him to be happy. Then there's my future to consider. I can go two ways. I can take a job in LA or one in Houston. I want the one in LA but Houston would be better financially. I have to consider the finances. I have college to pay for and getting the boys properly provided for.
At every turn I find a new roadblock keeping me here. Seeing that in text I see. I should stay but I just can't I gotta get out of this place. The things I need are going to shred me from the inside. I can't lay in that bed and cry night after night. I can't fake being happy during the day.
Now see this is where I could kick myself, because I'm supposed to be getting that floor clean every week. But the space/closet behind the door is often overlooked and there they were. Two precious beautiful rolls.
Being stuck at home for more weeks is going to really challenge my mental problems. There are days when I just really need to unplug and only interact with beneficial people. Those are the days that each of the boys is in here asking for things I can't provide, wishing on stars that died out last millennia. I have been so stressed that I have had the urge to run away.
That won't happen soon because first there is never gas in my car. Second, I really have no place to stay if I do run. That might change soon but until then, I'm stuck.
So lets get to what is making me craziest tonight. I listened to a Shakespearean Sonnet recited by Sir Patrick Stewart. It was lovely but it also kicked me right in the convictions. Things aren't right in my head and it was just a glaring neon sign that said "you made a promise" and nothing I want to do today should supersede that promise because it's legally, morally and ethically binding. But my heart needs something else.
So do I deny myself what I so desperately need? Well one of my phone calls today said yes, no matter what this promise stands above all. Gee Pastor just stab me in the gut and walk away with the knife. He says pray, keep praying, the change will come either your need will go away or it will be fulfilled. I just cried for so long hearing those words. Praise God in the storm. Yes that is exactly what I need to do. But can I really wait this out like I need to do. The monster in my head says no and it's going to make sure I suffer through all of this.
Why am I being so stupid about this? After 21 years of marriage, I should just accept that this is the way he wants it and suck it up. But I'm so unhappy in this and I just can't see myself surviving in this state of unhappiness.
This is where I say, I'm almost to the point where I'm going to walk away from my life in Tulsa for good. I remember feeling this way back in 1992. My needs weren't being met and he fought me at every turn when I stood up for my needs. I had to walk away then too. I feel worse now though despite all I did back then, everything that went wrong this is so much worse. I feel so much more selfish and obviously everyone is saying that it is all my selfishness there's no one else to blame.
So I turn to the two things that make me feel better words and music. It's all making it worse. Lets talk about music. The sentimental songs get to my heart because I know he doesn't feel that way about me anymore and I don't thing it even crosses his mind to feel jealous either. I shouldn't want him to feel jealous. I want him to be happy. Then there's my future to consider. I can go two ways. I can take a job in LA or one in Houston. I want the one in LA but Houston would be better financially. I have to consider the finances. I have college to pay for and getting the boys properly provided for.
At every turn I find a new roadblock keeping me here. Seeing that in text I see. I should stay but I just can't I gotta get out of this place. The things I need are going to shred me from the inside. I can't lay in that bed and cry night after night. I can't fake being happy during the day.
Thursday, March 12, 2020
Lots of fun around here
I was in such trouble this week. One of my classmates, a member of my study group was passing around more than notes in his emails. He was passing viruses. I had to dump a lot of my stuff when it was discovered I had infected some other people. So I have been cleaning house around here.
tonight, since i have nothing else to do, I'm working on a new archive of our own story. I think I'll put Jason Hayes through hell instead of Dean Winchester. I have a few ideas for some others too. Maybe I will share them with you.
Up until now, I have kept my Archive to myself. But things I need in my brain, good thoughts, and happiness mean I want to integrate all of my life. I can't compartmentalize any more.
I checked my grades and i'm not doing so well in one class but the others are doing well. It's okay though, that bad grade will come up, I just need to keep my mouth shut. Dr. Tom tends to chase squirrels (go off on tangents in History) and I'm good at pointing them out and letting him loose to run. I can hear my grandfather whistling in the background saying "run em girlie." He was usually talking to his best dog Bobbie but some days it was me too, following the dogs in the dark.
Lately, the one being run was me. I had demons chasing me up trees. Now, I've turned to fight and like the Winchester I was born to be, I fight dirty and I have many many weapons. Wish me luck.
tonight, since i have nothing else to do, I'm working on a new archive of our own story. I think I'll put Jason Hayes through hell instead of Dean Winchester. I have a few ideas for some others too. Maybe I will share them with you.
Up until now, I have kept my Archive to myself. But things I need in my brain, good thoughts, and happiness mean I want to integrate all of my life. I can't compartmentalize any more.
I checked my grades and i'm not doing so well in one class but the others are doing well. It's okay though, that bad grade will come up, I just need to keep my mouth shut. Dr. Tom tends to chase squirrels (go off on tangents in History) and I'm good at pointing them out and letting him loose to run. I can hear my grandfather whistling in the background saying "run em girlie." He was usually talking to his best dog Bobbie but some days it was me too, following the dogs in the dark.
Lately, the one being run was me. I had demons chasing me up trees. Now, I've turned to fight and like the Winchester I was born to be, I fight dirty and I have many many weapons. Wish me luck.
Wednesday, January 29, 2020
changing
As normal I let myself get upset. I'm upset about the normal things - pain and ambien. I spend my evenings saying Thank God, he's rubbing my back then it stops. When I move to release the pressure of his hand trapped against my ribs, he snaps awake because the Ambien has taken over already. It's not that he really wants to pet me. It's just an drunken after thought, something to do before bed like watching cat videos.
Tonight it was different. It hurt because of the whelps on my back. He wasn't alert/sober enough to know he was hurting me. When I pulled away, he just rolled over to sleep.
I shouldn't be mad each night, every night. I'm fine until I realize it's not affection it's inhibition. It could be a dog, the cat or my fluffy blanket. This is almost more than I can take right now.
I know things are healing really well back there because they itch like crazy. It's kinda awesome. I generally take weeks to heal, bruises can last for almost a month but with my new medications, I'm clearing up fast. The bruise on my face is almost gone, it's just yellow now. The cut is in a precarious spot but I have the bandages I got when I had my knee replacement. Putting those tagasomething sheets over it I won't need the stitches more than 10 days. Maybe I won't scar.... yeah right.
So I've been working on goals. First goal was to get back into college, one because I miss learning new things and two because I want to set a good example for G.
Second goal is to add workouts to my college time. Just as soon as I find the gym on campus I'm going to hit the bike. If I can't do it there, I'll join the Boys and Girls club again.
I guess instead of saying they are goals I should say they are habits I want to add to my day to day life.
Meanwhile my to do list is getting longer.
Need to replace the faucet on the kitchen sink.
Re-caulk the kitchen sink too would be good
Come on remodel.... It can't get here quick enough. I saw some awesome cabinets online. They were used but in good shape then I realized, they aren't any where near me. I would be better off having Jay Rambo make mine. Keep it local.
Maybe I can get the walk in tub installed before Eddie gets too sick to use it.
I need to walk through something. I need to see it in print to solidify my plans.
If I put a modular on the Silver City property then I will have a place to stay while I renovate this place. Have a place for a not so live in house keeper to stay once the house is built and things will be fine.
Okay so that helps.
silver city utilities, may need a well.
storm shelter for the silver city property.
modular
steel building
moving out there
rain water containment here and there.
remodel this place
mil in suite under the garage
rental apartment over the garage
upstairs for this place
fix up Sherrie's place.
there then Marilyn will have a place, The boys can have their picks and I can feel confident that I have the hide away I need.
sounds good.
I should be studying.
Tonight it was different. It hurt because of the whelps on my back. He wasn't alert/sober enough to know he was hurting me. When I pulled away, he just rolled over to sleep.
I shouldn't be mad each night, every night. I'm fine until I realize it's not affection it's inhibition. It could be a dog, the cat or my fluffy blanket. This is almost more than I can take right now.
I know things are healing really well back there because they itch like crazy. It's kinda awesome. I generally take weeks to heal, bruises can last for almost a month but with my new medications, I'm clearing up fast. The bruise on my face is almost gone, it's just yellow now. The cut is in a precarious spot but I have the bandages I got when I had my knee replacement. Putting those tagasomething sheets over it I won't need the stitches more than 10 days. Maybe I won't scar.... yeah right.
So I've been working on goals. First goal was to get back into college, one because I miss learning new things and two because I want to set a good example for G.
Second goal is to add workouts to my college time. Just as soon as I find the gym on campus I'm going to hit the bike. If I can't do it there, I'll join the Boys and Girls club again.
I guess instead of saying they are goals I should say they are habits I want to add to my day to day life.
Meanwhile my to do list is getting longer.
Need to replace the faucet on the kitchen sink.
Re-caulk the kitchen sink too would be good
Come on remodel.... It can't get here quick enough. I saw some awesome cabinets online. They were used but in good shape then I realized, they aren't any where near me. I would be better off having Jay Rambo make mine. Keep it local.
Maybe I can get the walk in tub installed before Eddie gets too sick to use it.
I need to walk through something. I need to see it in print to solidify my plans.
If I put a modular on the Silver City property then I will have a place to stay while I renovate this place. Have a place for a not so live in house keeper to stay once the house is built and things will be fine.
Okay so that helps.
silver city utilities, may need a well.
storm shelter for the silver city property.
modular
steel building
moving out there
rain water containment here and there.
remodel this place
mil in suite under the garage
rental apartment over the garage
upstairs for this place
fix up Sherrie's place.
there then Marilyn will have a place, The boys can have their picks and I can feel confident that I have the hide away I need.
sounds good.
I should be studying.
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