ugh flashback hell

 I was rocking along with my favorite play list when an oldie that had a resurgence around it's 20th or 25th anniversary came up.  My mind flashed back to the video of one instagramer making like his face was between his woman's thighs.  That video got a lot of hits and just as many comments.  After weeks and weeks of seeing men doing this and plenty of reposts, these guys started paying attention to the comments.  The first comment directed at me was, "you're old enough to be my mother."  Well dude I didn't know your video had an age limit.  Hey Meta.... this guy wants an age cut off for his videos so cougars or Thundercats can't see them.  

My response was the gals I see you tagging and liking are young enough to be your daughter so....

Week after week guys kept saying that over and over.  I followed just as many men and women my age and older or younger for various reasons. Mostly creative people.  Well then, there came the statement..."You're married"  Um so were all your heroes... I just share words of support most of the time not, "I'm next"  Something like you keep up the moves and you won't throw your back out when you fart later in life. 

So anyway, one by one the messages about how women should be ashamed to be vocal about being attracted to men younger than us.  Ogling them like they were sex objects just like each of these guys did when they went to the club with their buddies. 

OHHHHHHH I'm pissed all over again. 

I stopped following them one by one because they were age shaming women despite being sons, brothers, fathers and friends of women.  Okay I'll go back to supporting guys my age they need it just as much, and they appreciate the attention.  

It hurt.  Why do I have to be stuffed in this neat little box where I'm the good grandma with no opinions, jokes, or urges?  You know what was really rough at the time, I lived in that little box.  One room to sew, live, and eat.  

Now, I get to be in 4 boxes.  but still, I'm in this box. Don't be more, don't be too much, don't share your emotions, don't joke about me and my body, hobbies or nickname.  

I'm ready to be able to be free again.  I was finding it in 2020 but now.... I know I won't make the same mistakes I did that year because I paid for it physically when I had my heart attack.  But.  

Well my life is still on hold because the 3 year program I signed up for morphed into 4 years and I have one more to go.  One more year my dreams are being put on hold.  Will I feel this way if I get into the Master's program too?  I hope not.  

Meanwhile I got upset so I'm going to go throw up.  Upset means I produce more acid than I should and I already have the d in IBS-D so let the inflammation start pushing things back up.  I call it cavitation. 

it's Saturday

 This is usually  my toughest day but it went okay today.  One of my medications had been missing for nearly a month and now that I have it, I'm feeling sleepy all the time.  hmmm.  

I had a mania day yesterday so that might be it.  I'll compare it to next Saturday and see if it was the mania or the medicine. 

I'm having a "hmmmmm?" moment.  I'm not supposed to take NSAIDS with Entresto but isn't a low dose aspirin one?  I think the term low dose is the answer to that one.  

One more hour and the hubster will be home, Yay.

I'm bored

 this happens every other Wednesday.  I spend the morning sewing in my sewing room then I'm back in  my bedroom for school work, reading text books and articles.  I nap, I eat, and by 6 or 7 p.m. I'm struggling to find something to do.  I've worked a bit on my hand sewing and may need to rest my hands.  I'll play games on the computer until my right hand hurts even more. But then there really is nothing to do.   

I've lost interest in tv.  I can listen to audiobooks and music until my ears complain about ear buds or headphones.  Even then, I can't settle down.  I don't want to doom scroll advertisements because that's all social media is now is advertisements. 

Now that I've complained, I'll go back to my hand sewing, I'm almost done with this block.  Yay. 

Recovering from a hard moth

 I have been suffering with a cold.  I had a few good days when my sinuses dried up then my lungs and bronchial tubes felt like they were filling up.  I just can't kick this cough.  It's only been 2 weeks but 2 weeks of interrupted sleep and sinus pressure then my husband had his hip worked on.  They cleaned up his labrum and reshaped the ball joint since there were calcifications on it.  He's hurting a lot and not taking it as easy as he should.

He's learned that part of his pain is the way he sits at his drawing desk.  he's using his tens unit for pain now.

I wrote all that on May 8th.  That week I didn't pick up one of my heart medications and went without it for a month before I realized what medication was missing.  So really, I had 2 hard months for 2 different reasons. 

I'm in a super bitchy mood

 Last night was the most horrible ever of the worst month I have had in a while.

We were without insurance in September and the stress of that sent me spiraling out of control.  I'm out of my good manner medicines too I think or I need to take an extra pill.  I just checked, I'm out.  I don't remember when I ran out.  It's too late to call the pharmacy.  Looking back I had 2 refills when I sent my husband a picture of the bottle in July.  So if he filled it then and again in August, and I couldn't fill it in September well no wonder.  I'm off my meds.  And if I'm out of my meds then my youngest is too.  Holy Hell this explains it all. Why I can't sleep despite the sleeping pill, the reason my tummy is more screwed up than usual, the reason I'm so tense and making myself hurt.   I better call and get an emergency appointment scheduled for us asap. 

Other baby blankets

 

For a Foust baby

I hated this yarn but it was a gift from the boys

Jeffy's Bears.  Made Winter 1988

 Failed attempt with the fuzzy yarn

 Aunt Crickett's poodle blanket.  Lion Brand Homespun in various colors started 2016

 knitted corner to corner finished with some of that fuzzy white

 Self strriping

 knitted ciricle finished with crochet

 the seft striping yarn

 this may be smaller bernat crocheted witth two yarns

 knitting pyramids

Knitted baskeweave

  Judah's star Judah Raby from OHCC

 River's blanket for Jessica

Liam's blanket for Liam Raby

Corner to Corner for Coen

Orianna's Star

 Aunt Crickett's cable throw which got runied and left in the wall at 400 Ridge Drive Sand Springs, OK

Newest baby blanket

 I finished the latest of my baby blankets for a new great great niece coming soon.  She's a rainbow baby born after a loss of pregnancy.  I knew I wanted a rainbow like yarn and Bernat put out an anniversary color way in red yellow and blue but I couldn't find it anywhere so I turned to Bernat Baby Blanket Brights and used their neon lights color way.  It's loud. 

This thing is being a pain in the ass when I try to insert pictures. 

I bought enough to make 2 plus I bought some Lion Brand Mandala in rainbow colors but it was too light so I'll make something else in that, maybe just a garter stitch nursing cover/shawl.  Something plain because I hate to purl. 

I also bought some dark blue Caron Simply Soft.  I don't know why.  I think that needs to be a crochet wave blanket.  

Some of my other Bernat Blankets are these

This one was for my nephew Klaus and was big enough to cover him and his dad

These are not all of them but just those I could find through Google photos.   Which makes me mad because sometimes I can find them all and some days I don't.