vaccination pains

I remember having difficulty with a tetnus shot in 1993.  This weekend is worse. I had a dtap shot, cause I'm so old I needed the booster for diptheria and pertussis too. I also had a flu shot.  My mistake was having one in each shoulder which means both shoulders hurt and I'm out of Ibuprophen.  I could go buy some but I feel grouchy and unsociable. 

I've been planning my own planner.  I need something to have around with calendars and pockets.  I have something but it's too small. I really need something binder sized. So that is the situation.  I can make a coin purse for it too.  I have a coin purse somewhere.  I crocheted it. I suppose, I could make one out of duct tape.  That would be cool.

Anyway, I'm feeling imsomniatic too.   I really think it's ptsd related.  I had a flashback a couple of nights ago and then tummy trouble all night and again later in the day, then last night then again today.  Okay, some of that is dietary, a reaction to the poor choices I made because I was just too tired to make good choices.  Oh and today, my flashback was being trapped in an MRI machine throwing up and not getting any assistance to get out.  I was stuck cause I'm a big woman.  I was done with that machine too. Then a new episode of Gray's Anatomy brought it back with the new research fellow Bailey hired. She mri's women in erotic excitement.  I thought that is a nightmare.  Stuck in that tube and on display.  Ohhhh, not me.

I'm laughing so hard I can't breathe.  Time to go play some video games and feel mindless for a few hours.

trying times

Two times a year, I get all bent out of shape over everything.  9/11 to September 13th.    My beloved grandfather died on Sept 13th way back in 1988.  But that's my mother's birthday as well.  She was an awful mother.  She couldn't keep a job or a husband.  We moved a lot, generally in with her parents.  It was her father that died on her birthday.  She was suicidal every 18 months most of my life which scarred me a lot.  I hate her.  I've hated her for years but played the dutiful daughter looking after her and taking the bs she shoveled at me.  I'm screwed up because of her.  She was mentally ill and should have never had kids.  I came out determined to never be suicidal.  I did stuff for attention often but never a suicide attempt.  Came close to killing myself on accident a few times.  But I've gotten help for most of it.  Except these days.  

The 2nd time is in April between the 19th and the 27th.  My dad's birthday is in there somewhere.  I never really knew when and while I have easy access to the date on his death certificate, I'll just forget again.  He was never around.  Had he ever realized how fucked up my mother was he wouldn't have fathered me or my sister.  But I was a trick she played on him.  She went to see him for his birthday while he was in Army training.  She'd been on the pill and stopped taking them while he was away so he assumed she was still taking them and she didn't tell him any different in my opinion.  While he was away after I was born she tried to kill me to get him sent home.  She got pregnant with my sister to 'save her marriage' but that just made things worse between them and harder on me.  

Had I realized this crap was genetic, I would not have had kids.  I didn't want them until a teen pregnancy forced me to see the truth, I could have kids and I did okay with help from my family but I was horrible too.  The most horrible part was it cost me my marriage and my relationship with my oldest boy for 15 years.   

Then I went on to have more pregnancies and after each miscarriage I got more out of control until I met Eddie.  I had a miscarriage then too but he kept me sort of grounded.  He healed me and put me on a peaceful track so when another pregnancy came along I had someone to lean on while I was a basket case.  He was born in 2001 and was home sick with his daddy on that terrible day.  Only 10 days before I had to have a dnc due to a missed miscarriage and then 9/11 happened and oh what I time to have miscarriage post partum depression on top of all the feelings of loss and helplessness.   I wasn't right in the head or heart until December that year when I had my gallbladder taken out and started physically feeling better.   But each september comes around and after labor day and back to school rushes this lull and the bad feelings settle in again.  I think I need a Blessing Way or a healing sing.  Could be I just need to get back to church again.  

Of course being up in the middle of the night isn't a good indication that I'm in my right mind.  Tonight my tummy was busy rumbling and digesting and pushing.  The anticipation of having tummy trouble keeps me away.  Sometimes it's mixed with stress that the trouble will be painful.  Tonight I think I may just get away with a couple of rounds in the bathroom then back to sleep.  A teen ager has requested I take him to school in the morning.  At least I can come back home and go back to bed after that. Another thing I think I should do is stop listening to mysteries. Most of the time someone dies and well that's depressing even if it's fictional.  Being a bungling sleuth with everyone against you isn't very up lifting.  I can't do the I'm so sad and looking for spiritual reawakening books either.   TV will save me.  My Primetime comedies start soon  I can't wait. 

Okay, one round of tummy trouble down.  Maybe I can go to sleep.  Wish me luck

Early morning cooking

For the second time this week I made no bake cookies in the middle of the night.  Partly because I wanted to surprise my son, partly because I wanted something sweet.  Tonight they had peanuts which makes then so much better.

My recipe doesn't make more than half a dozen for each of us.  My husband rarely eats them because he has more savory cravings.  My youngest though, he could eat the whole pot.  It's a side effect of his medication, and his mania.  When he gets manic and can't maintain the high he gets mean.  I used to do that.  I thought I was such a good kid.  At home I was horrible.

The stress of having him hit the anger stage 2 or 3 times a night is getting to me.  It triggers some stuff so I have to distract myself mainly with food.

I'm having a sugar crash now because I ate those "cookies" at this late at night.  Man what do I do to myself.  Hopefully, things will be better tomorrow.

Two posts in a day

Just killing time while I wait for tummy trouble to scream through.  I had some chocolate pudding tonight, then some chocolate cereal too. Now I'm going to pay for the stimulant.

I'm feeling restless tonight.  Stimulant caused restless I guess.   There's something else.  I've started a fanfic and it was running along really well and now I've hit a writers block on it.  Well, it and a few other stories.  I'm stuck in a story line I can't resolve.  I've written it 4 different ways and it doesn't ring true.  I think I need to just scrap it because it feels forced and it's not really something someone would want to visualize themselves in either.  

It could be the story I'm reading, the one I'm listening to, and the ones I'm writing are all fighting in my brain keeping anything from coming out.  maybe, I'll just go play a game.

Emerging from the pile of stress

Turns out my youngest has PTSD too.  It's anxiety induced.  He hasn't been mistreated and has only been in two fights in his life, but things that went wrong haunt him.  Now I know I'm a horrible mother. I gave this to him.  He learned this from me.

But more about me.  I'm coming out of my haze.  School started and there is a real reason to get out of bed each day.  I'd get up earlier if Eddie didn't want to take the boys to school himself.  So fetching a boy from school gives my life meaning.  That is funny to me.  I'm feeling more energized once I'm up.  This may be from the junk food.  Okay the energy is from the extra money we had this pay period.  We paid the rent and netflix then we are buying groceries  enough groceries to actually make it 2 weeks which will keep the biggest stress off me.  I may still be a little stressed week after next because money will be tight again but we're going to make it.

So now that my stress level is down, I'm feeling better This feeling better makes a big difference for me in the things I want to do.  I'm bored with knitting and crochet.  I want to sew but I'm stuck on what to sew.  I think I may just start doing random strips  Meanwhile my libido is back a little but well there's nothing to do about that.  I could read but sometimes the story line goes where I don't want to go.

I'll just sew and watch some mysteries I guess I should cook too. That should be easy.  Chops in the oven, rice on the stove and hope I don't burn either.

wish me luck