ugh flashback hell

 I was rocking along with my favorite play list when an oldie that had a resurgence around it's 20th or 25th anniversary came up.  My mind flashed back to the video of one instagramer making like his face was between his woman's thighs.  That video got a lot of hits and just as many comments.  After weeks and weeks of seeing men doing this and plenty of reposts, these guys started paying attention to the comments.  The first comment directed at me was, "you're old enough to be my mother."  Well dude I didn't know your video had an age limit.  Hey Meta.... this guy wants an age cut off for his videos so cougars or Thundercats can't see them.  

My response was the gals I see you tagging and liking are young enough to be your daughter so....

Week after week guys kept saying that over and over.  I followed just as many men and women my age and older or younger for various reasons. Mostly creative people.  Well then, there came the statement..."You're married"  Um so were all your heroes... I just share words of support most of the time not, "I'm next"  Something like you keep up the moves and you won't throw your back out when you fart later in life. 

So anyway, one by one the messages about how women should be ashamed to be vocal about being attracted to men younger than us.  Ogling them like they were sex objects just like each of these guys did when they went to the club with their buddies. 

OHHHHHHH I'm pissed all over again. 

I stopped following them one by one because they were age shaming women despite being sons, brothers, fathers and friends of women.  Okay I'll go back to supporting guys my age they need it just as much, and they appreciate the attention.  

It hurt.  Why do I have to be stuffed in this neat little box where I'm the good grandma with no opinions, jokes, or urges?  You know what was really rough at the time, I lived in that little box.  One room to sew, live, and eat.  

Now, I get to be in 4 boxes.  but still, I'm in this box. Don't be more, don't be too much, don't share your emotions, don't joke about me and my body, hobbies or nickname.  

I'm ready to be able to be free again.  I was finding it in 2020 but now.... I know I won't make the same mistakes I did that year because I paid for it physically when I had my heart attack.  But.  

Well my life is still on hold because the 3 year program I signed up for morphed into 4 years and I have one more to go.  One more year my dreams are being put on hold.  Will I feel this way if I get into the Master's program too?  I hope not.  

Meanwhile I got upset so I'm going to go throw up.  Upset means I produce more acid than I should and I already have the d in IBS-D so let the inflammation start pushing things back up.  I call it cavitation. 

it's Saturday

 This is usually  my toughest day but it went okay today.  One of my medications had been missing for nearly a month and now that I have it, I'm feeling sleepy all the time.  hmmm.  

I had a mania day yesterday so that might be it.  I'll compare it to next Saturday and see if it was the mania or the medicine. 

I'm having a "hmmmmm?" moment.  I'm not supposed to take NSAIDS with Entresto but isn't a low dose aspirin one?  I think the term low dose is the answer to that one.  

One more hour and the hubster will be home, Yay.

I'm bored

 this happens every other Wednesday.  I spend the morning sewing in my sewing room then I'm back in  my bedroom for school work, reading text books and articles.  I nap, I eat, and by 6 or 7 p.m. I'm struggling to find something to do.  I've worked a bit on my hand sewing and may need to rest my hands.  I'll play games on the computer until my right hand hurts even more. But then there really is nothing to do.   

I've lost interest in tv.  I can listen to audiobooks and music until my ears complain about ear buds or headphones.  Even then, I can't settle down.  I don't want to doom scroll advertisements because that's all social media is now is advertisements. 

Now that I've complained, I'll go back to my hand sewing, I'm almost done with this block.  Yay. 

Recovering from a hard moth

 I have been suffering with a cold.  I had a few good days when my sinuses dried up then my lungs and bronchial tubes felt like they were filling up.  I just can't kick this cough.  It's only been 2 weeks but 2 weeks of interrupted sleep and sinus pressure then my husband had his hip worked on.  They cleaned up his labrum and reshaped the ball joint since there were calcifications on it.  He's hurting a lot and not taking it as easy as he should.

He's learned that part of his pain is the way he sits at his drawing desk.  he's using his tens unit for pain now.

I wrote all that on May 8th.  That week I didn't pick up one of my heart medications and went without it for a month before I realized what medication was missing.  So really, I had 2 hard months for 2 different reasons.