Weight is weighing me

Midnight musings

Popsugar says the biggest thing they want to become a writer for them is to pick a topic and stay on it.  It suggests health, wealth or something else.  I want to talk about health specifically mental health and how it has affected all of my other health problems. 

A Fat Girls Take on Weight Loss

I’m a very large woman.  I don’t qualify for shows like My 600 Pound life but in my mirror, I look like those people.  I have three defining moments in my life that contribute to my weight.  There are genetic components and mental health issues too but mostly it’s those three moments.  I am tall for a woman in my immediate family.  So naturally with my height is a heavier weight. 

Yearly weigh ins at my elementary school killed me.  I was over 100 pounds in 4^th grade.  My other taller female friend was skinny but weighed more than our classmates too. I had a belly back then, she didn’t.  Neither of us had breasts but I also had a big butt where she was rail thin.  Her extra height meant she and I really weighed about the same.  That year I was really sweating the weigh in.  We had a great class.  The boys didn’t tease us about being different much and the other girls weren’t catty.  The most unsupportive conversations were with the students struggling with grades while we didn’t.  I had been friends and classmates for most of them for 6 years so far.   I just knew I was more different because of my home life than my weight.   My mom had mental health issues and poor eating habits.  So I ate like her.  I knew there were things I could do to keep my weight down.  I just didn’t do them often.

In 1984 my mother married and we moved to a place where I lived too close to the school to ride the bus.  I walked to school and back again every day.  It was about 6 blocks one way.  From the beginning of the school year to late October, I lost a lot of weight.  It was enough that I needed to take in my jeans and skirts.  My step dad had us eating much better and the walking made a difference.  When they split up and we ended up with my mom planning meals my weigh went back up and my weight went back up with them but not by much.  So through high school I was still a heavier girl than most but my body proportions had changed. My lower abdomen was still a round shape instead of flat or concave and I hated it.  When I got pregnant and had severe morning sickness the summer between my jr and sr. year well most of my real fat melted away as I supported new life.  Christmas 1987 I got a great pair of jeans but by May I couldn’t wear them anymore.  After I delivered my son, they were loose on me.  They didn’t fit like they used to anywhere, so I took them in.    

In 1997 I was living with my now husband.  We both worked jobs but we had too many expenses to eat well.  Our saving grace was a friend from the days my boyfriend was in the Army National Guard.  He brought us most of the expired MRE’s and canned food the “kitchen” he worked in.  I ate those for lunch almost every day and sometimes for dinner and a midnight snack.  Each package was about 1500 calories.  I packed on so much weight that my mother thought I was pregnant when I announced we were engaged and getting married in 3 months.  I just couldn’t understand why I needed to buy or make all new clothes.  I gained about 75 pounds in a 6 to 8 month span.  My husband didn’t mind but my doctor was like you need to drop these pounds if you hope to have a baby.  The weight kept me from conceiving for 3 years.

So, there are my defining moments.  I have steadily gained weight since then.  I’m 375 now.  I know I need to lose the weight.  A childhood trauma and the weight made me need a knee replacement.  In the 9 months since the surgery, I have lost a little weight but not because of exercise.  I had a round of IBS-D with vomiting a few weeks back that caused me to drop a few pounds and took away some bloat.  I knew I had lost a few inches when I put on a pair of pants I had been saving for my son’s high school graduation.  The pants were loose enough to sag when I walked.  Eventually, I’ll need to alter them for now, I’m going to enjoy the extra room while I interview for a new job or two.

The Changes of A Woman Throughout a Marriage.

I read a Facebook post about how people change through a marriage.

  https://www.facebook.com/monarchhealing/photos/a.801796213332036/1231171727061147/?type=3&theater

I really started to think about the woman I have been in the last 22 years. 

At first, I had been screwed over by a husband, my family and a boyfriend.  I was essentially running from my past and some bad checks.  My land lord had told me that in her culture women are “judged by how they keep their trash hole.” So, I vowed to keep my trash can and those areas clean while living in that house.  I didn’t really appreciate her advice.  This is when my IBS-D was first becoming out of control.  I didn’t have the energy to deal with more than working and sleeping.  Honestly I thought it had something to do with my pregnancy.    So when I met Eddie, I was a wreck.  My manic moments were a mix of riding high and drinking or being a super grouch.  I complained about everything.   I couldn’t say one nice thing without including 5 negative things too.   Eddie was used to it.  His father had become a super grouch after a heart attack and stroke.  His ex-wife was a raging bitch.  So he dealt with me by letting things roll off him.   He was the balm I needed.  Then he saw the scared little girl I was when my mother was having problems.  He stood up and handled as much of her crap as he could to take the pressure off of me.  For the first five years we operated in damage control mode.

Then I got pregnant with Gerald.   I was a basket case on a whole other level.  I was so focused on the IBS-D mixed with 24 hour “morning sickness” and the fear that he wouldn’t make it to term.  Eddie was in coddle me mode.  By the time we had Shane we thought we had the IBS-D thing figured out.   I had my gallbladder removed and that made everything worse.  I was living in a I don’t dare eat anything until I just can’t stand not to eat everything mode.  I had 2 kids and I was exhausted all the time.    I was the crazy mom with mood swings that encompassed the universe.   Eddie was in protect the kids mode. 

Then things got really bad with my family.  Everybody was using the word truth to spew vile on everyone else.  I hit rock bottom.  I had to find a new way.  I started using the 4 Truths and I settled down.  Eddie still protected me from my family and stood between my mood swings and the kids but well things were getting better for us. 

Then we took in a nephew.  I became the raging bitch then.  I tried to yank my brother-in-law back into line until the exhaustion made me not care and I got so sick I had to insist my brother-in-law take his son back.  Eddie was in keep his head down mode. 

We lost our house in 2012.   We moved and gained another foster kid.  He threatened to kill Gerald.  He went away and I started working.  Things changed a lot during that time and I hit an extended manic period that almost ruined my marriage.  Eddie was in I work too much to know what is going on mode.  When I lied to him about almost everything, he pulled away from me.  At that point I retreated to our room and hid there.  I still spend most of my time in our room.  I couldn’t stand the mess in the living room at first then it morphed into I cannot stand seeing the mess in Shane’s room so I just avoided both.

We worked through it but things weren’t completely the same then he got sick.  Holding in all the stress laid him up with an ulcer.  His teeth were bad so eating was too painful.  He lost 20 pounds in a few weeks.  I made him get dentures, knowing that I had told him our sex life might suffer from the ick factor of kissing him without his teeth.  I’m totally grossed out by all the things associated with his dentures but implants weren’t possible right away.  So he was in, I can’t wait until I can truly eat again mode and I was in a panic that I might lose him to illness.

My boys started having mental illness issues.  One was in a hospital for over 30 days.  I was a broken hearted mom.  I regretted every decision and bad thing for so long.  Eddie was still so sick and the boys pulled away from him due to his mouth.  I was watching my family fall apart. 

Finally, I had my knee replacement.  Pain meds make my mouth so much worse.  I hurt Eddie’s feelings. I hurt my kids’ feelings.   They have all pulled away from me even more.  Now I’m in a panic that I might upset any of them with my health or mental problems.  I feel like a stranger in my own body. 

Through the years my personality and focus has changed about 8 times.  Okay, my personality hasn’t really changed I just let certain parts be more dominant.  I really don’t like the person I am right now.  I don’t really think Eddie likes me either.  We still support each other in certain areas but in others we don’t.  Sometimes I wonder if we’re going to make it.

Trying to make bad habits pay off.

My insomnia is back.  It was bad before our vacation.  Sharing a smaller bed for 3 nights going out there and back was hard on my sleep schedule. I did better at the rent house.  Then post vacation let down started triggering other parts of my depression.  To be honest my vacation calmed my IBS-D.  I could eat salad and spicy foods and didn’t pay for it within an hour of eating.  It was great.  Then one day my youngest son got bored and set a few fires.  The anxiety of the afternoon triggered tummy trouble, big time.  my acidic stomach has been working overtime.  This is the main cause of my IBS-D.  Constant diarrhea after eating.  They tested me for another problem once.  It’s something about stomach dumping, where the stomach doesn’t slowly digest food, it fills up then dumps the contents into the intestines all at once.  Honestly, I think something like that happens with an acid overload.  So I invested in 3 rounds of Nexium.  The first day it worked wonders.  I didn’t poop for like 24 hours.   Then I didn’t take it the next day because my schedule was messed up.  I was back in the bathroom again.   

Bed time snacks are the worst.  Eddie has to have a bedtime snack and I had been using them to absorb the acid churning all evening.  Well, after I eat my body won’t sleep until it knows the diarrhea is over for the night.  Some nights I’m up all night which has triggered my insomnia.  Now, I’m in full fledged night person mode.  Last night I stayed up writing fan fiction.  Tonight, I found a night job on Indeed.  I’m thinking I could pull that off for the next 10 years or more.     

I got a small reprieve tonight.  We went to bed at about midnight.  I stayed asleep until 1:30 a.m.  I had not had a bed time snack so my tummy was a little upset.  I got up to eat crackers and milk and well I’m waiting for the shit storm. 

As I said I’m working on making some changes.  I monetized this because I plan on using it more often.  I’m writing freelance for Google and a few other places.  Anything to get me out of my own head.  Some posts will be essays about things in my daily life.  Other’s will be something I’m investigating.  Tonight I wanted to outline where I am in my mental and physical health. 

My flashbacks are back after about a month break.  A commercial triggered them.  It sucks.  

So mentally, depression, flashbacks and insomnia. 

Physically, my weight is up.  The IBS-D is back with a vengeance.  I need to do more stretches because my left heal hates me when I stand up.  My new insoles help with that but after a long drive the balls of my feet hurt more.  I think the salesman at New Balance said it was foot fatigue.  I think I’ll let Advanced Orthopedics of OK look at my feet to see. Some of this is probably because of my new knee.   If I could get way from the house to walk without fear I would soil my pants is would be better.  I have to eat to keep my blood sugar in check.  I have been having some pretty sever headaches too.  Some of it has to do with where my head is when I sleep.  I have a new pair of glasses.  I have been playing small screen games too much.  I haven’t been controlling my blood sugar. 

So that’s the wrap up on me.  I think I will go play in a make-believe world for a while.   The story I wrote last night got 72 hits in less than 24 hours.