The Changes of A Woman Throughout a Marriage.

I read a Facebook post about how people change through a marriage.

  https://www.facebook.com/monarchhealing/photos/a.801796213332036/1231171727061147/?type=3&theater

I really started to think about the woman I have been in the last 22 years. 

At first, I had been screwed over by a husband, my family and a boyfriend.  I was essentially running from my past and some bad checks.  My land lord had told me that in her culture women are “judged by how they keep their trash hole.” So, I vowed to keep my trash can and those areas clean while living in that house.  I didn’t really appreciate her advice.  This is when my IBS-D was first becoming out of control.  I didn’t have the energy to deal with more than working and sleeping.  Honestly I thought it had something to do with my pregnancy.    So when I met Eddie, I was a wreck.  My manic moments were a mix of riding high and drinking or being a super grouch.  I complained about everything.   I couldn’t say one nice thing without including 5 negative things too.   Eddie was used to it.  His father had become a super grouch after a heart attack and stroke.  His ex-wife was a raging bitch.  So he dealt with me by letting things roll off him.   He was the balm I needed.  Then he saw the scared little girl I was when my mother was having problems.  He stood up and handled as much of her crap as he could to take the pressure off of me.  For the first five years we operated in damage control mode.

Then I got pregnant with Gerald.   I was a basket case on a whole other level.  I was so focused on the IBS-D mixed with 24 hour “morning sickness” and the fear that he wouldn’t make it to term.  Eddie was in coddle me mode.  By the time we had Shane we thought we had the IBS-D thing figured out.   I had my gallbladder removed and that made everything worse.  I was living in a I don’t dare eat anything until I just can’t stand not to eat everything mode.  I had 2 kids and I was exhausted all the time.    I was the crazy mom with mood swings that encompassed the universe.   Eddie was in protect the kids mode. 

Then things got really bad with my family.  Everybody was using the word truth to spew vile on everyone else.  I hit rock bottom.  I had to find a new way.  I started using the 4 Truths and I settled down.  Eddie still protected me from my family and stood between my mood swings and the kids but well things were getting better for us. 

Then we took in a nephew.  I became the raging bitch then.  I tried to yank my brother-in-law back into line until the exhaustion made me not care and I got so sick I had to insist my brother-in-law take his son back.  Eddie was in keep his head down mode. 

We lost our house in 2012.   We moved and gained another foster kid.  He threatened to kill Gerald.  He went away and I started working.  Things changed a lot during that time and I hit an extended manic period that almost ruined my marriage.  Eddie was in I work too much to know what is going on mode.  When I lied to him about almost everything, he pulled away from me.  At that point I retreated to our room and hid there.  I still spend most of my time in our room.  I couldn’t stand the mess in the living room at first then it morphed into I cannot stand seeing the mess in Shane’s room so I just avoided both.

We worked through it but things weren’t completely the same then he got sick.  Holding in all the stress laid him up with an ulcer.  His teeth were bad so eating was too painful.  He lost 20 pounds in a few weeks.  I made him get dentures, knowing that I had told him our sex life might suffer from the ick factor of kissing him without his teeth.  I’m totally grossed out by all the things associated with his dentures but implants weren’t possible right away.  So he was in, I can’t wait until I can truly eat again mode and I was in a panic that I might lose him to illness.

My boys started having mental illness issues.  One was in a hospital for over 30 days.  I was a broken hearted mom.  I regretted every decision and bad thing for so long.  Eddie was still so sick and the boys pulled away from him due to his mouth.  I was watching my family fall apart. 

Finally, I had my knee replacement.  Pain meds make my mouth so much worse.  I hurt Eddie’s feelings. I hurt my kids’ feelings.   They have all pulled away from me even more.  Now I’m in a panic that I might upset any of them with my health or mental problems.  I feel like a stranger in my own body. 

Through the years my personality and focus has changed about 8 times.  Okay, my personality hasn’t really changed I just let certain parts be more dominant.  I really don’t like the person I am right now.  I don’t really think Eddie likes me either.  We still support each other in certain areas but in others we don’t.  Sometimes I wonder if we’re going to make it.