vaccination pains

I remember having difficulty with a tetnus shot in 1993.  This weekend is worse. I had a dtap shot, cause I'm so old I needed the booster for diptheria and pertussis too. I also had a flu shot.  My mistake was having one in each shoulder which means both shoulders hurt and I'm out of Ibuprophen.  I could go buy some but I feel grouchy and unsociable. 

I've been planning my own planner.  I need something to have around with calendars and pockets.  I have something but it's too small. I really need something binder sized. So that is the situation.  I can make a coin purse for it too.  I have a coin purse somewhere.  I crocheted it. I suppose, I could make one out of duct tape.  That would be cool.

Anyway, I'm feeling imsomniatic too.   I really think it's ptsd related.  I had a flashback a couple of nights ago and then tummy trouble all night and again later in the day, then last night then again today.  Okay, some of that is dietary, a reaction to the poor choices I made because I was just too tired to make good choices.  Oh and today, my flashback was being trapped in an MRI machine throwing up and not getting any assistance to get out.  I was stuck cause I'm a big woman.  I was done with that machine too. Then a new episode of Gray's Anatomy brought it back with the new research fellow Bailey hired. She mri's women in erotic excitement.  I thought that is a nightmare.  Stuck in that tube and on display.  Ohhhh, not me.

I'm laughing so hard I can't breathe.  Time to go play some video games and feel mindless for a few hours.

trying times

Two times a year, I get all bent out of shape over everything.  9/11 to September 13th.    My beloved grandfather died on Sept 13th way back in 1988.  But that's my mother's birthday as well.  She was an awful mother.  She couldn't keep a job or a husband.  We moved a lot, generally in with her parents.  It was her father that died on her birthday.  She was suicidal every 18 months most of my life which scarred me a lot.  I hate her.  I've hated her for years but played the dutiful daughter looking after her and taking the bs she shoveled at me.  I'm screwed up because of her.  She was mentally ill and should have never had kids.  I came out determined to never be suicidal.  I did stuff for attention often but never a suicide attempt.  Came close to killing myself on accident a few times.  But I've gotten help for most of it.  Except these days.  

The 2nd time is in April between the 19th and the 27th.  My dad's birthday is in there somewhere.  I never really knew when and while I have easy access to the date on his death certificate, I'll just forget again.  He was never around.  Had he ever realized how fucked up my mother was he wouldn't have fathered me or my sister.  But I was a trick she played on him.  She went to see him for his birthday while he was in Army training.  She'd been on the pill and stopped taking them while he was away so he assumed she was still taking them and she didn't tell him any different in my opinion.  While he was away after I was born she tried to kill me to get him sent home.  She got pregnant with my sister to 'save her marriage' but that just made things worse between them and harder on me.  

Had I realized this crap was genetic, I would not have had kids.  I didn't want them until a teen pregnancy forced me to see the truth, I could have kids and I did okay with help from my family but I was horrible too.  The most horrible part was it cost me my marriage and my relationship with my oldest boy for 15 years.   

Then I went on to have more pregnancies and after each miscarriage I got more out of control until I met Eddie.  I had a miscarriage then too but he kept me sort of grounded.  He healed me and put me on a peaceful track so when another pregnancy came along I had someone to lean on while I was a basket case.  He was born in 2001 and was home sick with his daddy on that terrible day.  Only 10 days before I had to have a dnc due to a missed miscarriage and then 9/11 happened and oh what I time to have miscarriage post partum depression on top of all the feelings of loss and helplessness.   I wasn't right in the head or heart until December that year when I had my gallbladder taken out and started physically feeling better.   But each september comes around and after labor day and back to school rushes this lull and the bad feelings settle in again.  I think I need a Blessing Way or a healing sing.  Could be I just need to get back to church again.  

Of course being up in the middle of the night isn't a good indication that I'm in my right mind.  Tonight my tummy was busy rumbling and digesting and pushing.  The anticipation of having tummy trouble keeps me away.  Sometimes it's mixed with stress that the trouble will be painful.  Tonight I think I may just get away with a couple of rounds in the bathroom then back to sleep.  A teen ager has requested I take him to school in the morning.  At least I can come back home and go back to bed after that. Another thing I think I should do is stop listening to mysteries. Most of the time someone dies and well that's depressing even if it's fictional.  Being a bungling sleuth with everyone against you isn't very up lifting.  I can't do the I'm so sad and looking for spiritual reawakening books either.   TV will save me.  My Primetime comedies start soon  I can't wait. 

Okay, one round of tummy trouble down.  Maybe I can go to sleep.  Wish me luck

Early morning cooking

For the second time this week I made no bake cookies in the middle of the night.  Partly because I wanted to surprise my son, partly because I wanted something sweet.  Tonight they had peanuts which makes then so much better.

My recipe doesn't make more than half a dozen for each of us.  My husband rarely eats them because he has more savory cravings.  My youngest though, he could eat the whole pot.  It's a side effect of his medication, and his mania.  When he gets manic and can't maintain the high he gets mean.  I used to do that.  I thought I was such a good kid.  At home I was horrible.

The stress of having him hit the anger stage 2 or 3 times a night is getting to me.  It triggers some stuff so I have to distract myself mainly with food.

I'm having a sugar crash now because I ate those "cookies" at this late at night.  Man what do I do to myself.  Hopefully, things will be better tomorrow.

Two posts in a day

Just killing time while I wait for tummy trouble to scream through.  I had some chocolate pudding tonight, then some chocolate cereal too. Now I'm going to pay for the stimulant.

I'm feeling restless tonight.  Stimulant caused restless I guess.   There's something else.  I've started a fanfic and it was running along really well and now I've hit a writers block on it.  Well, it and a few other stories.  I'm stuck in a story line I can't resolve.  I've written it 4 different ways and it doesn't ring true.  I think I need to just scrap it because it feels forced and it's not really something someone would want to visualize themselves in either.  

It could be the story I'm reading, the one I'm listening to, and the ones I'm writing are all fighting in my brain keeping anything from coming out.  maybe, I'll just go play a game.

Emerging from the pile of stress

Turns out my youngest has PTSD too.  It's anxiety induced.  He hasn't been mistreated and has only been in two fights in his life, but things that went wrong haunt him.  Now I know I'm a horrible mother. I gave this to him.  He learned this from me.

But more about me.  I'm coming out of my haze.  School started and there is a real reason to get out of bed each day.  I'd get up earlier if Eddie didn't want to take the boys to school himself.  So fetching a boy from school gives my life meaning.  That is funny to me.  I'm feeling more energized once I'm up.  This may be from the junk food.  Okay the energy is from the extra money we had this pay period.  We paid the rent and netflix then we are buying groceries  enough groceries to actually make it 2 weeks which will keep the biggest stress off me.  I may still be a little stressed week after next because money will be tight again but we're going to make it.

So now that my stress level is down, I'm feeling better This feeling better makes a big difference for me in the things I want to do.  I'm bored with knitting and crochet.  I want to sew but I'm stuck on what to sew.  I think I may just start doing random strips  Meanwhile my libido is back a little but well there's nothing to do about that.  I could read but sometimes the story line goes where I don't want to go.

I'll just sew and watch some mysteries I guess I should cook too. That should be easy.  Chops in the oven, rice on the stove and hope I don't burn either.

wish me luck

I am beyond stressed at the moment

I have set routines for the kids for the school year and Eddie says I'm being too rigid by creating routines.

We've been married for nearly 20 years, raising kids for almost all of them, if not our own, we had day care kids or nieces and nephews.  I had those kids days structured and it worked out well for me then.
He can't see that the past year of unstructured time has nearly killed me?  Ugh.

So later in less than an hour he's going to be flexible and I'm going to get more upset.  Okay I'm borrowing trouble.  I have to put my worries in God's hands.   I can do this.

Change my tune.  I just caught the cat playing with the toilet lid.  Biting on it like it's a real play thing.  Silly cat.

I have to say that the new house is a magnet for sirens.  The emergency vehicles always seem to scream past our house sirens blaring then it's like they have to circle back because they missed their turn and just past our back gate they turn off the sirens.  When it wakes me in the middle of night, I have the overwhelming urge to go see where it stopped.

Time to go.

My sinuses are killing me.

written June 23rd
If I pack, it will make my sinuses worse because of all the allergens I'll disturb.  But I want to get things done too I've designed the rooms

This is our master suite.  Eventually the book cases will moved down the wall to make way for a door to the en suite bath and a bump out into the room for a closet.  In the mean time, you can see the bed and my big chair for knitting or crochet and an ottoman, I guess I really should just pull the sleeper sofa from Shane's room in there. But I would rather have a lower armed chair  I have 11 feet of book cases.  At the end of them if I can fit it in, I will have my desk. then we turn the corner to have my sewing machine then the ironing board. Behind me will eventually be a full sheet of plywood work surface with filing cabinets under it. For right now, that will have to be my dinner table.  The long rectangle is storage cubes then I cede the room to Eddie and his flat file, dry mount machine and filing cabinets along with a recliner and a desk of his own plus his chest of drawers and a book shelf. Out in the middle is our tv, one because I don't want to waist wall space on it and two, the room is 40' wide that 's a long view.  Maybe not so much if I bring the old plasma in there and put the new lcd in the living room

this is the living room if it will fit. this way  I have the desk in this room too because of probabilities but I would really like to have my computer in my room and the living room be a tv and hang out place.  The u shape in the upper corner is a planned peninsula with a dish washer and storage turned out toward Eddie's chair.  This will be a place to stash his coloring stuff or all those little things that gather around his seating area,  The door had enough space to put a coat rack behind it.  I kinda want the shoes to come off on the front porch and I have a bench to go out there just for that. I'm going to keep a few ottomans out in the room for seating but where to put them is bothering me. floating out there in the middle of the room will be a hassle. 

This is the screened in porch the sofa in the picture is actually a swing already there.  The we just add a long bench as a coffee table, or the coffee table and the 3 chairs we keep on the porch and we should be golden.  I'm going to be looking for chunks of tree to make tables/seating too.  We'll put out starter trays or plants that could be outside in the summer near the windows.  My Christmas tree will live out here too.

New neighbors, new problems

     We moved.  One of my biggest symptoms of my mental illnesses is tummy trouble.  Day in, day out.  I was in the bathroom a lot.  Our poor potty and the seal in the floor just couldn't take the strain and started leaking, then it started sinking.  This went on for nearly 3 years until the constantly running toilet due to the leaking, ran our water bill up to the last bill of $1400.  Now the usage was estimated the last 3 months because the meter was damaged and needs to be replaced. But Eddie could read the meter just find and well the estimate was pretty accurate.  So the water company turned off our water since it was obvious there was a leak.  No water in a rental home makes it uninhabitable and we had to move.  

     It's been over a month in the new place.  We have so much room and we're finally spreading out again, but the move was hard on all of us.   We took my youngest from his core group of friends.  The way the house is set up, we adults are more isolated from the kids and we settle in to our hobbies in our room more often.  This leaves the teens a little more unsupervised.  It all came to a head last week when the youngest took a hammer to his brother but missed by the grace of a closed bedroom door.  The poor hollow core door that's been in the house for at least 40 years, didn't fair as well.   Honestly, if my older son had been leaning against the door he would have still been hit in the head.  So my youngest is enjoying the stigma of being considered a danger to the family.

     At his age, I was a little destructive too. I had my nose in a corner but insisted in arguing with my mom.  Her attempts to shut me up ticked me off and I kicked a hole in the sheet rock by my feet.  Why my grandfather didn't step in with his belt right then is beyond me.  Being grounded for a month and having to pay for the new sheet rock, tape, mud and paint changed me.  I was 16 when a guy broke my heart and I took refuge in the bathroom.  Thunking back against the wall behind me in sadness and frustration knocked a linebackers shoulders and back sized hole this time.  Again I had to pay for the damage and get grounded.  Fine by me,  I was avoiding going out anyway.  Being shaped like Refrigerator Perry has not done me any favors.

So fast forward 33 years and here I am in this new house for the last month.  We have 2 bathrooms!!! that is a real relief for me and the boys.  I'm no longer telling them to hold on or go water a tree.  Yes I have said that.  I also told a teen to go pee on his father's tires.  He did too because the tree was too far away in the dark.

So tonight, there's a loud motor across the street or intersection from us.  There used to be one at the old house too but then they moved.   There was a race car builder behind us at the old house too so the young guys would work until late at night then do donuts and burn outs in the intersections and the next morning when we were catching up with our sleep, the race car engines would fire up and rouse us.  

Tonight I'm pricing new windows and insulation, I'm thinking, church is going to be very early in the morning for me if I can't go to sleep.  I think the rain has driven the echo chamber enthusiast into the house.  I'm also wondering if my tummy will let me sleep?  Okay, the trouble with the kids, and the noise hasn't cause today's bouts in the bathroom.  Chocolate is to blame.  I have over indulged and it's overstimulated my digestive tract.  So I must pay the price.

I was suffering before the chocolate too though.  I was depressed over the suffering and turned to chocolate to comfort me.  I think my medication to control the tummy trouble has a bad side effect.  I think it causes me to back up enough I start vomiting to get things flushing semi normally.  That sucks because I used to only vomit when I was super upset and having tummy trouble deluxe.  The medication changed that.  Gotta remember to call GSI Monday and see if they want to changed it or see me first.

Well, getting this off my chest has helped.  The rain hitting the tin roof of my carport is lulling me into a sleeping mood so I may just go take advantage of it.  Tomorrow morning, I wonder if God will forgive me if I set off my panic button while parked across the intersection?  The thunder and lightning may indicate that I shouldn't.

feeling morose

Things have been falling apart around here.  First problem was a breaker kept tripping.  Then the toile started leaking from the seal under it.  Then the floor started sinking in the bathroom from being wet.  The toilet sinks too which compresses the top of the hard pipe sending water to the tank, so the tank leaks making the floor wetter.  Now the septic tank is backing up under the house.  We can't smell it in the house just when we get near that point in the yard.

Well we're moving.  That means I need to pack which means I need boxes, energy and places to put the packed stuff.  Oh, I just can't get motivated.  Then I get depressed because I haven't got anything done.  Then I get deeper depressed because I don't have any friends or family to help out because I don't want anyone to see the nasty mess my house is.  I've done this to myself.  Two weeks and I can start moving boxes and bookshelves.   That's right, I'm getting my design studio moved first.  I want to hang curtains so I'll have to find the fabrics in my stash to use.  Then I'll move my closets. then the little stuff before the big push to move the furniture.  I'm so excited but wishing I could do a few things before we move but we don't have the money to do it. Also I'm trying to find a job but don't want that to interfere with the big move. Can't have it both ways.  I feel like I'm caught in one of those infinite choices loops. First I need to get measurements of the house.

Two more weeks.

cat naps at night

that's what I'm taking.  I sleep for a while then can't get back to sleep because of some pain.  Most of the time it's supper chugging through my digestive system.  Honestly, what doesn't come screaming out 15 minutes after I finish eating, chugs through on a 75 minute time schedule like I imagine British Rail time tables to be.  So all evening I'm missing things and praying that when I'm so tired I can't keep my eyes open this last trip will be the last trip.  But no, one sign of awakeness and the juices are flowing again.  So this is the time I should be writing.  And tonight I found some motivation.  I want to build a house.  I'm good at telling stories so I have to write a book to have the money to build this house.

Meanwhile, the tummy trouble hit me right after lunch today and kept after me all day long.  My youngest wanted to go do something but I just couldn't and the little snot says " sometimes I think you don't have tummy trouble you just use that excuse because you don't want to leave the house."  I have never used it as an excuse to avoid going somewhere just because I didn't want to go.  I was honest, "mommy can't take you because she doesn't want to pack 2 changes of clothes and stop off and buy baby wipes just to get her through a trip to walmart to buy you another cheezy remote controlled item you'll break then take apart and leave all over my sectional."  I have bought extra clothes on those trips and been accused of shoplifting when I had to change.

Another honesty, depends do not come in my size.  I'm a big woman.

So we sat a home and I happily crocheted.  I'm now on minute 10 of my 75 minute interval.  I'm going to go start a new book.

Still stagnated

Written April
I have completed a few things.  The commission quilt, a knitted wash cloth and a cowl for my aunt.  I can't really think of anything else but I know there are others.  It's just a struggle to get through the day lately.  I'm working a lot of hours so when I get home I just don't feel like doing anything.  Then when I do feel like doing something I have to fight through a mess to do it.  ugh.


I made a skirt last week.  I made a blouse the week before. Okay, it looks like I'm getting things done. Meanwhile, I have something worse than PTSD wrong with me.  The preliminary neurological reports say MS. It's not Fibromyalgia, it's worse. 


Don't get me wrong the flash backs have been messing with me a lot.  When I'm tired, I just get them more often.  Eddie wants me to up my meds.  I just want to stop my meds.  Neither one of us will get their way. 


Typing hurts.  I should just go to bed.

Stress and the PTSD girl

A few months back I had some trouble with my bowels. I had a doctor do some blood tests, take a few samples and order a few tests.  All of those tests came out to say, "there's cancer somewhere in your bowels"  So last week I had a set of barium x-rays done and I haven't slept well since.  I got up early for that test and went back to bed afterward.  The most irritating side effect I had was itching.  My hands itched for days.  Just scratching one little spot set off all those other itchy twitchy spots I couldn't reach.  This kept me from sleeping one night, then the pattern has just progressed. If I had a sharp stick, I could scratch the skin off my back right now. Sitting hurts.  Years ago my husband was gifted a hemorrhoid pillow at a white elephant holiday party.  Our boys were little and liked tearing up foam rubber stuff and they destroyed it.   Man, I wish I had that pillow now.  Just admitting my colon hurts brings stuff back for me. It's going to take a long time to get past it this time I guess.  At this point, I would take a diagnosis of cancer anywhere but in my colon just so I wouldn't have this..."you did this to me" hanging over my head.  Poor diet, drinking, taking the wrong combo of drugs, swallowing flies while outside any thing but a tumor on my scar.

Okay, so instead of thinking of those things, I wish I was at my grandma's house right now.  It's 3 a.m. and she's cat napped most of her evening so she's awake and asked me if the light would bother me.  She's either going to crochet, or read her Bible.  I tell her I'll join her.  I've either got some hand sewing, knitting or crocheting of my own to do.  She'll turn on KVOO and we'll sing along to the old country songs.  If she's reading, she'll start humming some hymn that has to do with what she's reading.  I'll pick up on it and start humming or singing along.  Those were the best times.  I could put Jeffy, my then 1-2 year old son in the other bedroom either with my cousin Penny or alone and crack the door.  They would sleep on.    Penny had her times like this too. I only hope her sister and my sister did too. We'd solve all of life's problems.   I need some time like that again.  Maybe this summer I can get together with some gals and have that kind of thing going.

Oh off on another tangent.  In that little house there was a floor heater then a wall heater so sleeping with our doors closed meant we could freeze through the night.  So I never learned to sleep with my door closed.  Now everyone that has central heating or zoned heat says, "you must sleep with your door closed to prevent a spreading fire.  Still can't do it.  floor furnace or badly placed air conditioners means the doors need to be open.

On the other hand.  I have a stinky teen who keeps his door closed most of the time for privacy and noise reduction.  phew, you open that door and smell teen age boy.  It makes me nuts.  I try to go spray his room each day but there's nothing I can do to eliminate that funk.  It's ingrained in there like a boar den.

So I should be knitting or crocheting but there's not a comfy place to do that right now.   I guess I'll just mosey back to bed and count the whistles of the hubster's sleep machine or the bubbles of my night time air machine.  Maybe I'll spin a tale in my sleep, something forward thinking not past.

PTSD has killed my sex life

Not long ago, I was having a lot of trouble with my flashbacks and medications and just general condition of myself and I avoided sex with my husband.  Then I think the constant turn downs gave him impotence.  We're in our mid fourties now, time for us to regain that youthful lust because the babies are out of the house once in a while and we can get out of town alone with out a sitter flaking on us but NOOOOOOOOOO.   This just won't happen.  It's making me nuts.  I'm losing sleep over it.

My husband feels guilty, I feel guilty, no one is guilty of anything.  I'm at a point that I'm about to claw the walls.  I'm restless, and need a break but there's no money for anything and there's no vehicle to make an escape in.  I think I may take a mommy break Friday and check into a hotel just me and relax.

To overcome this feeling in the last few years I've been getting massages but my back always acted up afterwards.  I miss the break though.  I miss taking my husband with me too. He could help me up and we could giggle at each other as we waddled off to the car.  It was the perfect get away just the two of us.

It's like the times when the boys would settle into the house after a swim and a bath, watching their tvs and relaxing, then Eddie could sneak back out to the pool and swim with me.


ughhhhhh.  maybe I can get some sleep and this will help my mood, my whinyness.