trying times

Two times a year, I get all bent out of shape over everything.  9/11 to September 13th.    My beloved grandfather died on Sept 13th way back in 1988.  But that's my mother's birthday as well.  She was an awful mother.  She couldn't keep a job or a husband.  We moved a lot, generally in with her parents.  It was her father that died on her birthday.  She was suicidal every 18 months most of my life which scarred me a lot.  I hate her.  I've hated her for years but played the dutiful daughter looking after her and taking the bs she shoveled at me.  I'm screwed up because of her.  She was mentally ill and should have never had kids.  I came out determined to never be suicidal.  I did stuff for attention often but never a suicide attempt.  Came close to killing myself on accident a few times.  But I've gotten help for most of it.  Except these days.  

The 2nd time is in April between the 19th and the 27th.  My dad's birthday is in there somewhere.  I never really knew when and while I have easy access to the date on his death certificate, I'll just forget again.  He was never around.  Had he ever realized how fucked up my mother was he wouldn't have fathered me or my sister.  But I was a trick she played on him.  She went to see him for his birthday while he was in Army training.  She'd been on the pill and stopped taking them while he was away so he assumed she was still taking them and she didn't tell him any different in my opinion.  While he was away after I was born she tried to kill me to get him sent home.  She got pregnant with my sister to 'save her marriage' but that just made things worse between them and harder on me.  

Had I realized this crap was genetic, I would not have had kids.  I didn't want them until a teen pregnancy forced me to see the truth, I could have kids and I did okay with help from my family but I was horrible too.  The most horrible part was it cost me my marriage and my relationship with my oldest boy for 15 years.   

Then I went on to have more pregnancies and after each miscarriage I got more out of control until I met Eddie.  I had a miscarriage then too but he kept me sort of grounded.  He healed me and put me on a peaceful track so when another pregnancy came along I had someone to lean on while I was a basket case.  He was born in 2001 and was home sick with his daddy on that terrible day.  Only 10 days before I had to have a dnc due to a missed miscarriage and then 9/11 happened and oh what I time to have miscarriage post partum depression on top of all the feelings of loss and helplessness.   I wasn't right in the head or heart until December that year when I had my gallbladder taken out and started physically feeling better.   But each september comes around and after labor day and back to school rushes this lull and the bad feelings settle in again.  I think I need a Blessing Way or a healing sing.  Could be I just need to get back to church again.  

Of course being up in the middle of the night isn't a good indication that I'm in my right mind.  Tonight my tummy was busy rumbling and digesting and pushing.  The anticipation of having tummy trouble keeps me away.  Sometimes it's mixed with stress that the trouble will be painful.  Tonight I think I may just get away with a couple of rounds in the bathroom then back to sleep.  A teen ager has requested I take him to school in the morning.  At least I can come back home and go back to bed after that. Another thing I think I should do is stop listening to mysteries. Most of the time someone dies and well that's depressing even if it's fictional.  Being a bungling sleuth with everyone against you isn't very up lifting.  I can't do the I'm so sad and looking for spiritual reawakening books either.   TV will save me.  My Primetime comedies start soon  I can't wait. 

Okay, one round of tummy trouble down.  Maybe I can go to sleep.  Wish me luck