Things have been rough around here. Eddie meant to bring in TP last week when he got paid but there hasn't been any to bring in. That's not true, he got a package from work to make sure the boys bathroom was stocked. Well in all the shuffle of things from one bathroom to another and cleaning and everything else, I found 2 rolls of Charmin Blue in my bathroom floor.
Now see this is where I could kick myself, because I'm supposed to be getting that floor clean every week. But the space/closet behind the door is often overlooked and there they were. Two precious beautiful rolls.
Being stuck at home for more weeks is going to really challenge my mental problems. There are days when I just really need to unplug and only interact with beneficial people. Those are the days that each of the boys is in here asking for things I can't provide, wishing on stars that died out last millennia. I have been so stressed that I have had the urge to run away.
That won't happen soon because first there is never gas in my car. Second, I really have no place to stay if I do run. That might change soon but until then, I'm stuck.
So lets get to what is making me craziest tonight. I listened to a Shakespearean Sonnet recited by Sir Patrick Stewart. It was lovely but it also kicked me right in the convictions. Things aren't right in my head and it was just a glaring neon sign that said "you made a promise" and nothing I want to do today should supersede that promise because it's legally, morally and ethically binding. But my heart needs something else.
So do I deny myself what I so desperately need? Well one of my phone calls today said yes, no matter what this promise stands above all. Gee Pastor just stab me in the gut and walk away with the knife. He says pray, keep praying, the change will come either your need will go away or it will be fulfilled. I just cried for so long hearing those words. Praise God in the storm. Yes that is exactly what I need to do. But can I really wait this out like I need to do. The monster in my head says no and it's going to make sure I suffer through all of this.
Why am I being so stupid about this? After 21 years of marriage, I should just accept that this is the way he wants it and suck it up. But I'm so unhappy in this and I just can't see myself surviving in this state of unhappiness.
This is where I say, I'm almost to the point where I'm going to walk away from my life in Tulsa for good. I remember feeling this way back in 1992. My needs weren't being met and he fought me at every turn when I stood up for my needs. I had to walk away then too. I feel worse now though despite all I did back then, everything that went wrong this is so much worse. I feel so much more selfish and obviously everyone is saying that it is all my selfishness there's no one else to blame.
So I turn to the two things that make me feel better words and music. It's all making it worse. Lets talk about music. The sentimental songs get to my heart because I know he doesn't feel that way about me anymore and I don't thing it even crosses his mind to feel jealous either. I shouldn't want him to feel jealous. I want him to be happy. Then there's my future to consider. I can go two ways. I can take a job in LA or one in Houston. I want the one in LA but Houston would be better financially. I have to consider the finances. I have college to pay for and getting the boys properly provided for.
At every turn I find a new roadblock keeping me here. Seeing that in text I see. I should stay but I just can't I gotta get out of this place. The things I need are going to shred me from the inside. I can't lay in that bed and cry night after night. I can't fake being happy during the day.
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