Christmas Tears

Last night, I was ready for bed.  I moved all the pillows to make my nest, covered my eyes because Ed was still awake and watching tv.   I started crying.  It's been a long time coming.  Eddie did notice which is a change in the last few weeks.  I'm still feeling under water though. 

Actually, the thing is.  He's shied away from touching me because he feels it's a prelude to sex and he "can't finish what he starts"  I finally told him he's killing our marriage with that attitude.  I mean, yeah I want to make love to my husband instead of imagining it 8 times a night and 12 times a day but there's more to having a loving relationship than sex.  So I quoted the experts.  "Having someone touch you in a loving way, not sexual but loving or caring, releases hormones that help your brain and keep you healthy."   He said he understood because every night, I rub his back, scratch it, massage sore places and he feels better.  If we miss a night it affects his sleep.  Still, I want more and I hate myself for it. 

Honestly, I now know what my mom meant when she said that her kids loving her was not enough.  But I don't think she ever thought about the difference between caring touch and sex.  So now, I lavish touch on the dog, the cat, the husband, the teenagers, and a new puppy but how much do I get in return.  the cat and dog lick me, the pup will chew on any piece of my body she can fit in her mouth.  I get hugs from my boys more often and Eddie will rub my back if I'm sitting up but there's still a component missing. 

I guess like the seritonin reuptake inhibitors, I need a oxytocin multiplier.    I can turn to alcohol to not care but oh my tummy doesn't like the burn. 

You know.  I was puppy sitting earlier, and the dog was in the bed too.  I lavished a lot of attention on the dog because the puppy was easily distracted with the sock I gave her.    I started hoping that Baby, our big dog, got a hormone boost when we pet her like I get when Eddie pets me.    The big thing is now that the puppy is here, Baby seeks out contact in a better way and I don't mind having the dog in the bed with me. 

so she's stretched out on the bed over there on Eddie's  side and she's yawning like she's slept too long and when I reach out to pet her she scoots away until she fell off the bed.    Silly doggie.   She went to her own bed instead, not as far to fall.