Okay tonight is really my fault. I had caffeine with dinner so I didn't go to sleep until almost 2. Now I'm wide awake and while I could sew, I think Eddie would kinda want to shoot me if I did. When he's up in the middle of the night, he goes to the living room to watch tv and eat. When I get up like this I want to unwind, tv doesn't unwind me. Writing sometimes does. Getting things off my chest.
I'm just bored with everything. I'm tired of the whiners at work, I'm tired of the struggles at home. I'm tired of not having the things I need to do the projects I want to do. I turn into a whining banshee when I'm not on the phone. Meanwhile Eddie is hurting so much and I could spend all my extra time massaging him and it wouldn't make anything better. Bone Spurs SUCK.
So I'm up moaning about these things when I really have something else to say. I'm feeling neglected. There was a post on Facebook the other day saying something like,
"we charge our phones everyday and are rarely at a place where they are not in reach but we don't work on our marriages or relationships the same way. When a loved one is in reach we're too busy touching our phones to reach out for each other."
Boy isn't that the truth. In my case, if I'm at the sewing machine or knitting in our room and Eddie is drawing at his desk, when I put my stuff away, I immediately reach for my phone and spend half my time flipping through Facebook and Words with Friends instead of more knitting or massaging Eddie's back. Eddie is the same. He draws, surfs the web for inspirations, or looks at Facebook at his desk then as soon as he gets to the point when he's ready to lounge in bed, he either has food in his hand or his phone. If he doesn't have either of those, he's sitting with his back to me so I can scratch it or his body turned away to take pressure off his hip. My brain and heart are taking those as signals of rejection. Another part of my brain says it's karma for all the times I "turned away" from Eddie while I was in pain.
Heavens, if we could ever get the two of us feeling no pain at the same time we would conquer the world.
So instead of talking to Eddie again, I pour my heart out here. When I bring it up any other time to him he thinks I'm picking a fight because I have a whiny/ordering tone of voice. Man, I'm back to, This Just SUCKS.
So I need to spend some time asserting my needs in a better tone of voice. Then maybe my heart will be heard instead of the pushy broad that surrounds it.
There's another change in my life. My A1c is all messed up again which put me on Metformin again. I've been in Irritable Bowel Syndrome with Diarrhea remission for a few months now. Metformin blew that out the window within hours of taking the first pill. I finally wrote the doc and told him it kept me out of 2 major events and was interfering with my job and he put me on a different pill something like Glucotrol. I'm not taking it properly but so far, it's not messing with my tummy like the other did. Phew, that means I won't be just blowing off people so I can so spend time on the throne. Of course since the IBS-D kicked back up, I've had to be pickier about the food I eat. That's okay because my cravings are for things that won't make it worse or trigger it. Unfortunately some fast foods aren't triggers but aren't really in the budget either. Tonight was one of those nights. Eddie fried up some Italian sausage links. Just the links, no sides and that was dinner. In all honesty, he shouldn't have cooked at all he had a back procedure today and should have just gone to bed. But those grayish links laying in that grease turned my stomach so I had nuggets, iced coffee and fries instead. My budget took a hit but that was okay.
I treated the guys to burgers and fries and specialty drinks too. So I was fair.
Well the sun is coming up which is my cue to get out of Eddie's way for his morning activities so now that I'm unburdened I let the relief lull me back to sleep. I love my days off.
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