My parents both died before they turned 60. Which means I might have about 6 years left. If I'm lucky, I'll be in college 4 of those. If I'm really lucky I'll be in college all of those and I'll have my PHD when I'm 62. I look forward to being call Dr.
Lately I haven't been able to see those days in my future. The doctor wants me to control my blood sugar, exercise and avoid alcohol. Which means no sugar, and no fun. Take into account that my husband works nearly 12 hour days and takes too many medications to make a little blue pill work at all means there really isn't any fun in my life.
I'm 53 and still playing taxi for my kids and when they have been home together too long I have to play bouncer too.
He hasn't said anything about lowering my stress level. I had a heart attack almost 3 years ago. no he just quietly sends over a new diabetes medication for me to try. Well there's a problem with that. The ones that don't give me yeast infections give me the shits. I want quality of life, Doc.
I can see it from his personal point of view. He has diabetes, he probably has his whole life. So it's all about the levels with him. Plus he has cancer so he's looking at me thinking why are you ruining your life like this when there are so many things you could take.
I explained it to him before. I am not a science experiment. We have done the experimentation for the last 20 years. If it says "may cause diarrhea" It will. If it says "may cause yeast infections" It will. Plus they make my cystic acne so much worse too. Especially on my butt.
So with my butt inflamed 2 out of 3 ways I am not going to want to exercise. I'm exhausted just getting to the bathroom 12 times in 2 hours. And it makes me feel so gross.
I don't want to touch food, make food or look at food when I'm feeling that way. When I finally feel like eating I need quick energy and that means bad food choices.
So I can be miserable one of two ways, through medication or through living without a few of life's pleasures. All of life's pleasures.
Why do I want to turn 60?
For that PHD, my husband, my kids and my granddaughter. Would they even care if I weren't here?
My husband would, he doesn't know how to pay any of the bills. At least one boy would on any given day. One to take him fishing and the other to take him to doctor appointment, get hugs and door dash.
But I'm not finding joy in my day to day. Everything is a bother most of the time.
But today I sat on my new "Purple Royal" seat cushion at my sewing machine and it was okay for a round of frog parts. I even started a new round but my thoughts started making my butt hurt.
That's a problem for me. If I get upset, I make extra acid. Extra acid makes for faster and extra acidic digestion which leads to acidic output. Acid ASS. and the damn thing leaks at that stage too.
lol, I had kidney stones around Christmas. So the doctor gave me Flomax. I'm an older mom so I leak when I sit down, stand up, sneeze or laugh. He gave me a pill to stop that it gave me dry mouth and Flomax cancels out the benefits. Flomax out paces Poise pads and Always Descreet pads.
So why do I want to live past 60?
I just need to find some joy in my life again. I'm doing too much comparing my life to others, people half my age. Where is the joy in that? Then I want to steal their joy and well that's a bad way to be.
I'm going to find a therapist and this will be my journal
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