before you reply, "of course you do. because you're fat and ugly and your momma dresses you funny." That's not it. I hate my body's reaction to stress.
See, when I'm upset/stressed my body produces lots of bile or stomach acid. Most of the time it just speeds up digestion to the point it's like greased lightning. Then there are the times when it makes me vomit. I hate vomiting. In the last year I have only had this issue 3 times, the week I had my heart attack, the week Eddie brought home a stomach virus and now.
Today it's because my middle son and youngest son are clashing over noise. It's been a few years since they have clashed this much about it. My older son wants to sleep and my younger son wants to watch obnoxious YouTube videos in the living room right outside his bedroom door, for hours and hours.
I have a problem with it too. He's in there all night and gets upset if anyone walks into the great room to get things from the kitchen, go through to the shower, asks him to turn the tv down. It's a real battle. My second reason is because, he has the capabilities to watch those videos in his own room. He has a tv and 4 computer monitors so why must he go to the living room and make so much noise. Well part of it is he has to get out of that room sometimes and most of the time its dark outside so he can't go mow, ride his bike or visit the stores. The other part is he doesn't care if he's making other people mad/stressed. He wants to do what he wants whenever he wants.
So I turn to my husband to help me enforce the boundaries and he gives me shit for it. Attitude really, he rolls his eyes, sighs heavily and doesn't actually do what I asked him to do. He does it his way. His way does not get the desired effect most of the time. Which compounds my stress.
Why do I have to be the bouncer in my own home 24/7. I've lived this way since 2010. First it was being the hard ass to Ed's brother who wouldn't do the right thing for his children. Then it was doing the right thing for another foster kid and our own then the boys started clashing over everything and with us about school and it's just been progressively harder every year. 2020 I was looking for a way out because I couldn't take it anymore and right now, I'm almost to that point again.
I'll give it more time, and hopefully more space, really. I'll do what I can to afford to make an apartment for the youngest one and buy the older one the house next door. Then maybe, with the space, we will have peace. God Please.
Otherwise, I'll take my earnings and move into a low rent apartment taking my utilities and extras and one son with me. I'll go back to my child hood.
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